The Book of Penelope

a history of a venerated ancient prophet


“as transcribed” by Warlord of Elephants

Chapter I

1For canned Pasta was an Abomination before F.S.M. 2The land became barren, the waters as slime, the earth was rent and much suffering ensued. 3″We have lost our way”, cried the, ummm let’s see, oh yeah cried ‘The Lost Ones’. 4We must return to the true path or at least the real trail, maybe the actual sidewalk; 5any way this stuff ain’t workin’”. 6So with empty bellies (for none could abide the Abomination) they did gather together salt, noodles, and water.

7It came to pass that the noodles boiled and a great huzzah went up. 8″Huzzah”! they cried (almost nobody talked then; they always cried stuff). 9″We must test it to see if’n it’s ready. 10Poke it with a fork”! cried some. 11″Fling it against the wall”! cried others. 12While all the crying was going on little Penelope Pasta did Taste it. 13″Hey the kid’s eatin all our pasta”! cried everybody.

14Little Penelope cried (yeah her too) “I have tasted the Pasta and it needs Garlic Butter and Meat Sauce”! 15″Huzzah”! cried the people and finished their salads with the nice ranch dressing and the little bread sticks everybody liked so much. 16So heresy was avoided, 17carbo loading was accomplished 18and the legend of the ancient prophet Penelope begun.

Chapter II

1Now as the Pastafarians were saved and hunger pains at bay there came a great lethargy upon the People. 2″We must sleep”! they cried, “for our bellies are full and T.V. hasn’t been invented yet”. 3So they all did fall down into a deep slumber all except Penelope. 4She’d had too many after-dinner espressos with her tiramisu.

5As she idly walked along she heard a voice: “Gird up you loins and follow”. 6″Grid up my loins”? she thought, “sounds vaguely naughty”. 7But as T.V. hadn’t been invented yet Penelope put the Holy Colander on her head and grabbed a handy pair of salad tongs 8(not the crappy plastic ones but the good solid metal ones). 9Penelope strode (yep you guessed nobody walked anywhere then, they all strode) through the wilderness. 10The voice led her through hill and dale 11(Hill, Dale & Rill attorneys at law in the ancient world).

12Anywho soon she came to a mountain. 13″Ascend”, the voice said, “Ascend and all will be clear”. 14″O.K.”, thought Penelope “I’ll bite”. 15So up she went. 16As she crossed a stream she noticed it had a bright yellow color. 17Ewww she thought, that’s gross! 18She strode further and came to a tableau; 19in the tableau was a table with a red and white checked table cloth. 20A large matron was sitting eating of the Holy Meal. 21Yet no matter how much she ate the Holy Meal was not diminished.

22″Hmm”, thought Penelope, “even for this story that’s odd”. 23The matron raised her glass (more of a mug-like affair really) and sipped; 24Penelope noticed it was the same yellow substance in the stream. 25″Oh Matron” cried Penelope “Why do you drink this”? 26The Matron smiled a whimsical matronly smile and said “I give you this for the People. 27Let it be called Beer; for this is the Beer Volcano”. 28Penelope did Taste of it and it was very good, not too dry. but with a crisp finish. 29Penelope did bring the Beer to the People and there was great rejoicing.

Chapter 3

1Now it came to pass that Penelope had a good beer buzz on…. 2She strode through the land and saw all was good; 3wheat for pasta, hops and barley for beer, beef trees for meatballs, even a cheese well or two. 4The People remained unsatisfied for T.V. STILL hadn’t been invented… 5As she strode (well wove actually; she’d had quite a few beers) she thought “it’s a good thing automobiles haven’t been invented yet. 6I’d be in BIG trouble if I were driving”.

7She decided to take a short nap under a meatball tree. 8Naps had been invented just last week and Penelope was nothing if not a trend setter. 9As she slept she dreamed that she came upon a large building 10and out of the building an endless line of cute guys 11(with the occasional cute redheaded woman, told you she was trendy!). 12Any way she watched and thought “that’s the LAST time I mix my beers”.

13She approached one of the cute guys and noticed he was wearing only a G string and some ‘pasties’. 14MMMmmm nice she thought all but the pasties. 15″It must be hard to look manly in pasties”, she said. 16″You don’t know the half of it”! the cute guy said. 17″What is this place?” cried Penelope. 18″Don’t cry” said the cute guy “for this is the stripper factory”! 19″The Stripper factory?” cried Penelope.

20″Yes our Lord FSM created it for all those who would not be big jerks and go around telling people what to believe”. 21″Well that seems decent of FSM but tell me why are there only cute guys and the occasional redheaded woman? 22I’m trendy but not everyone else is”. 23″It is because you are here. 24As with the beer volcano, so it is with the stripper factory. 25YOU and your desires dictate the out-put…. 26Why last year we had on guy who stood where you are standing 27and SHEEP (shorn of course) emerged from the factory”. 28The cute guy looked into Penelope’s eyes and said “would you like to see my etchings?”

29Here we must leave our heroine, even ancient venerated Prophets need some privacy