The Old Pastament
The Book of Midgets/Midgits
*As transcribed by DaveL
The Curse of The Bald Midget
1In the days when the Flying Spaghetti Monster combed the Bobby Mountain, 2He looked upon the Earth and saw that the land was devoid of chosen subjects. 3In His awesome Noodly Hugeness, the FSM cast his Noodly Appendage forth over the Bobby Mountain and said with a noodly growl, 4″Send forth my beloved subjects! 5Be they small and capable of head butting tall people in the groin. 6Let them be capable of acting as mobile beer holders. 7Let them be cute and cuddly, 8and let them be capable of riding many a good winner at the races’. ”
9And into the world the Midgets did come. 10For they were indeed extremely cute and cuddly. 11The bald midgets were sometimes confused by the FSM with sticks of roll on deodorant. 12This amused the FSM greatly, 13who named the bald midgets ‘The Rexona’ or ‘ The Rexonii’ (plural). 14But extremely cute and cuddly they were.
15In the early days the midgets grew much Basil and Herbs. 16And in the absence of protein in the diet, they did not grow tall. 17And the leader of their tribe was Egbert. 18For he was so loved by the FSM for his baldness, that he was spared from further midget gags as an act of charity.
19Then one day following the Basil harvest, Egbert and the tribe grew restless 20and longed for the addition of minced beef in their pasta penne. 21But Egbert knew additional protein may force him to grow tall, thereby forfeiting his venerable midgetness. 22This would also forfeit his right to receive kid’s portion meals at McDonalds, 23which was a real bummer.
24And the FSM did appear unto Egbert and the midget tribe and spoke.
25″Look guys, I’m really sorry for the really bad midget gags at your expense. 26But it’s really boring being a supreme being sometimes.”
27And the midgets did cheer sending forth high fives all round with their pudgy hands and fingers.
28″As a sign of my good measure I will allow you to add ground beef, 29provided you maintain a balanced diet and don’t grow tall.”
30And the midgets did but whoop and holler in their tiny little voices 31singing Randy Newman songs in his honour (you can guess which).
32″Praised be unto His Noodly Appendages” they cried with their helium-filled voices.
33And in a bid to overcome their protein deficiency, 34the midgets set forth to slaughter everything that moved on the face of the earth. 35For they did slaughter the armadillo, the antelope, the aardvaak and all other animals between the letters A-Z. 36And Egbert did thus say:
“Doode-a, keelling ell thuse-a creetoores soore-a beets zee hell oooot ooff grooeeng beseel und herbs.”
37And there was great noodly happiness on the slopes of Bobby Mountain.
38For theirs was the Kingdom of Protein!!
The Great Boredom Incantation and the Coming of the Midgits
1Following the great Midget reconciliation, the FSM did but enter a great period of self satisfaction. 2For his subjects were omnivorous and yet retained their venerable Midgetness. 3And in the great void feeling pretty damn pleased with himself, he put his many tentacles upon his great celestial recliner rocker and mellowed right out.
4But following many years of relaxation, the Great Noodly One did become very bored. 5Despite the presence of his beloved Midgets he was very much alone. 6Being the only supreme being, there was little or no chance of him meeting an FSM babe for a bit of red hot action. 7And absolutely no chance of him hoisting the if the Universe is rockin’, don’t come a knockin’ sign on his celestial door.
8And in his solitude, the FSM did begin the Great Boredom Incantation, 9that boomed across the sky and shook the little folk from their midget high chairs.
11I’m really bored
12I’m really really bored
13I’m really really, really bored
14(you’ll get the hang of it after about 100 reallys)
15I’m so bored I find watching Bold and The Beautiful an absolute blast
16I’m so bored I find watching Oprah the highlight of my day
17I’m so bored I find Bill O’Reilly almost comical
18I’m so bored I find ‘Alexander’ an absolute ripper of a film
19Then following the citing of several more thousand bad moments in TV and cinema, the FSM did thus end The Great Boredom Incantation.
20Sad for their Master, Egbert ordered the Midgets to try really damned hard to cheer FSM up. 21They dressed up in cute little outfits – Ewoks, Munchkins and assorted furry animals. 22They even sung cute little pantomine songs from Snow White, but the FSM was unmoved. 23Egbert in his adoration for the FSM raised his pudgy little arms to the sky and screamed:
24 “Hey Greet Speghettee Doode-a. Vhy ere-a yuoo su sed? Bork Bork Bork!”
25The FSM replied in perfect Ivy League Midgetese:
26 “Egbert, the midgets are my most blessed subjects. 27You have brought me great piles of basil and herbs. 28You have let me dish out many bad midget jokes at your expense. 29For you have remained my most venerable subjects, 30despite the culling many endangered species to eat with your penne pasta.”
31And Egbert did reply:
32 “Nu prublems yuoor vursheep. Fur ve-a ere-a hunuoored thet yuoo ere-a oooor Greet Mester.”
33And the FSM replied with very plummy Midget intonations:
34 “Midgets, while I get a huge belly laugh paying out on you with bad jokes, 35there is room for more like you in the lands of Noodle Earth. 36While you are great in many ways, 37it should be pointed out that you are not perfect. 38In fact many of you are bald. 39In that regards I have decided to create a new race of littlies called the ‘Midgits’. 40They will be improvements of great magnitude, similar the upgrade from Windows 98 to Windows 2000. 41And yes they will all have hair.”
42And the FSM closed his googly eye stalks, 43and into the world did the Midgits pass. 44And the Midgets were both happy but jealous. 45This was mainly due to the improved hair lines of their cousins.
46And much resentment was forthcoming from the little bald dudes.
Here endeth the second book.
The Great Midgit Exodus: Guudbye-a Beld Oones
1Following the FSM’s Great Boredom Incantation, the Midgits did pass into the lands of Noodle Earth. 2For they also did dwell upon Bobby Mountain as but guest folk of Egbert and The Midget people. 3For the Midgit hordes while declaring Bobby Mountain a most venerable place of both historic and spiritual importance 4were really damn sick of paying rent. 5It was time for them to dwell in their own lands, grind their own pasta, and develop their own range of exotic sauces.
6The FSM like Bill Gates never fully revealed the flaws or traits engrained in his upgraded creations. 7The Midgits unlike the Midgets were blessed with great mounds of hair on both head and chest. 8For this was most advantageous for the he-midgits, 9who found picking up she-midgets a breeze, provided gold chainage and open chested lurid shirts were worn. 10The she-midgits were also given hairy chests, 11which provided the FSM with a few more thousand gags, breaking him new ground on the Celestial stand-up comedy circuit.
12The extra hair also gave the local Bobby Mountain depilatory and wig economies a real boost. 13The Midgits were great refiners of the arts and cultural activities, 14while the Midgets possessed greater farming and hunting skills. 15While Midgets were the providers of many pasta ingredients, 16the Midgits did refine and enhance the many pasta dishes of the day.
17However, the Midgets did get most peed off with the Midgits. 18For they spoke with much profanity and were culturally insensitive, speaking poor Midgetese. 19For example The Midget Greeting “Hey-a leetle freend-a’” was thus sullied by the Midgits with “Hey-a dudester”.
20And Egbert also complained to the FSM that the Midgits were favoured in the arts of being cute and cuddly, jockeying and advanced Italian cooking class.
21The Midgits too had grown tired of their fellow Midgets, 22whom they deemed simple unrefined folk, 23content only with pleasing The Great Noodly One.
24The FSM thought all of this was absolutely hilarious! 25He was now perpetually amused by the cultural differences between the two little folk.
26 Why intervenes he thought. 27″This is just too damn funny. 28My long boredom has now ended. 29They can just duke it out.”
30And following the FSM’s non-interventionist policy, Egbert did thus issue a proclamation to the Midgits:
31″Leestee here-a Meedgits ve-a vere-a here-a furst und qooeete-a frunkly ve-a ere-a pretty demned fed up veet yuoo beeeng here-a. Yuoo ere-a nut trooe-a representeshuns ooff zee Greet Nuudly Oone-a. Yuoo ere-a boot un upgrede-a veet mure-a heur und inhunced cooltoorel felooes. Gu feend yuoor oovn lunds. ”
32Which roughly translates ‘Love your hair and cooking skills, but clear off we were here first.’
33And in reply the Great Midgit wrestler and leader of his people Caxton did thus reply in a well rounded Midgit banter:
34 “Thunkyuoo su mooch fur zee cuukeeng ingredeeents, lufely yuoong ledeees und cuukeeng ingredeeents. Boot ve-a ere-a ooffff tu feend oooorslfes a noo ebude-a.”
35Which roughly translates to ‘See ya round baldies!’
36The FSM, saddened by the impending departure of Midgits from Bobby Mountain decided to accommodate them in an intelligently designed new land. 37For while the Midgets were mountain dwelling folk, 38the coastal lands were uninhabited, 39and thoughts of marinara and other sea food pasta dishes did thus please him.
40And thus the Midgits prepared to leave Bobby Mountain. 41And they did prey to the Great Noodly One for safe deliverance to a new land. 42And they did prey for a land much basil, herbs and parmesan to supplement their ever expanding supply of exotic sauces.
43And with much trembling from his Great Noodly Appendages, the FSM did this transport the entire Midgit population to a great coastal plain. 44And the Midgit Kingdom was named ‘Noodelium’ to honour his divine relocation 45and cancellation of the Bobby Mountain tenancy agreement.
46And Caxton was named their great leader. 47And a feeling similar to when your ‘flat mate from hell’ moves out had erupted in both camps. 48And there was great happiness for years to come in both Kingdoms.
Here Endeth the Third Book
Of Blood Letting, Unification and Big People: ‘Poot up yuoor meets doode-a. Lets get it oon.’
1Following the creation of two kingdoms, there was a period of greatness ascribed to the Midgits of Noodelium. 2For their access to beachside property and seafaring made the Midgits extremely profitable little dudes. 3And thus they did build great ships 4and set forth across the lands of Noodle Earth. 5And their prize trade possession was Olive Oil and an ever expanding range of pasta sauces. 6And they did surpass the Midgets of Bobby Mountain in greatness, who clung to their traditional agrarian ways, 7seeking salvation through deeds pleasing the Great Noodly One.
8And entrepreneurial Midgit leader Caxton did thus become rich and powerful. 9His images were splashed across many tabloid glossy magazines and entertainment gossip programs (‘Midgitainement Tonight’.10And the Noodleium tabloids did thus gossip wickedly about Caxton’s love life, 11after hours activity 12and cameo sitcom appearances.
13Caxton did thus employ many Flimsy Moral Standards 14for he was a seething mass of testosterone. 15And this did greatly impress the FSM who would bellow from the cosmos 16″Way to go little buddy” 17following Caxton’s successful nights out.
18For Caxton so loved the lime-light and conquests of both social and other varieties. 19During a red carpet special interview with bubbly blond entertainment reporter, 20Caxton did thus issue a conquest proclamation of a different kind, 21shocking Egbert and the Midgets of Bobby Mountain.
22 “Meedgets ooff Bubby Muoonteeen. Zee huly lunds cunteenooe-a tu wane-a under yuoor cuntrul. Geefe-a zeem tu me-a, und I veell cere-a fur but yuoo und Bubby Muoonteeen. Bork Bork Bork!”
23Which roughly translates to: “Give me your land baldies, or else. Bork Bork Bork!”
24Caxton did thus wish Bobby Mountain to become a part of the Kingdom of Noodelium. 25And he announced no more cameo TV appearances, 26for he was off to war.
27I “veell be-a pustpuneeng my cemeu oon ‘Eferyune-a Lufes Raymond’ tu cunqooer zee Huly Lund.”
28At first the FSM thought all this was hilarious, 29and was very excited about seeing his beloved subjects going ‘toe to toe’. 30However, the FSM did not approve of holy killing as a means of reaching the beer volcano and stripper factory. 31He therefore boomed forth a proclamation to all the little folk:
32 “Loyal subjects. The concept of holy war and wasting peoples lives in my name is a major bummer. 33I will not allow it. 34You must therefore resolve your differences by my way of choosing. 35I therefore decree that you shall resolve the issue in a series of televised taunting and verbal slanging matches.”
36And thus a series of debates, with much haranguing and name calling was held. 37And the results were decided by phone-in poll, to be announced painfully slowly, following many commercial breaks, by The Great Noodly One.
38Well prepared for the bald jokes, the Midgets did thus mercilessly hammer the Midgits, 39scoring many fine hits on the fascile Caxton and his dandies. 40Things got really ugly when Egbert produced Caxton rumours and gossip even the tabloids had overlooked.
41And the FSM did thus snicker and chuckle at the sharp-witted gags of the Midgets, for it was extremely entertaining to him.
42The phone poll did thus proclaim, following many commercial breaks, The Midgets unanimous winners. 43Then, following the verdict, The FSM did thus issue the following order:
44″Look guys. My intention was for you to live harmoniously, 45but for the odd cruel put down to keep me amused. 46I have erred by my lack of intervention, be it partly my fault, 47for I was bored desiring entertainment. 48In all our folly, I have decided I will create a third race of people, 49to keep you both in check. 50And they shall be large and capable of telling many politically incorrect jokes about thee. 51There shall be no more talk of conquering the Holy Mountain. 52For it is a place sacred to all Pastafarians.”
53And thus with a shudder of his noodles and rolling of his googly eyes the FSM sent forth the Big People into the world. 54And their first words in praise of their noodly master were:
55″Shiver me timbers. O’im off ta’ collect some pieces of eight.”
56And they were given the gift of politically incorrect putdown. 57And their maritime, rum-drinking, and bird-handling skills were unsurpassed.
Here endeth the Fourth Book
The Final Decree: Say Ahoy Me Harties, not Bork, Bork, Bork
1For thus it came to pass The Great Noodly One did much letting the air out the proverbial Midget/Midgit tyres by inventing a third race of people. 2For the Midgets and Midgits were yea verily ‘full-of-it’ ego wise, 3following much favouritism from his holiness. 4For they were like Tinkerbell, Paris Hilton’s small dog: the Chihuahua that had everything.
5And he did thus give the Big People many gifts, 6espoused in the ways of Pirates and Lumberjacks. 7And the FSM, sick of telling little people gags, did gift the Big Ones with many politically incorrect ways. 8For the likeable roguish spirit of the FSM, the creator of the Beer Volcano and Strippers, was thus embodied in these likeable rogues.
9The Big people did thus inhabit near the Midgit and Midget realms of Noodelium and Bobby Mountain. 10The Big People bordering Noodelium in particular did adopt many ways of the Pirate. 11And their attempts to master the language of the Midgits were an utter failure. 12For they felt the use of the phrase “Bork, Bork, Bork” was an utter bummer. 13And they did thus develop the use of Piratese as their official language.14And the Midgits used their galleons as vessels of transport their tremendously large range of pasta sauces and ingredients across Noodle Earth. 15And other prophets of the Great Noodly One will recount their tales.
16Whilst on Bobby Mountain, the Big People did thus use their roguish spirit to cut the sacred trees of Bobby Mountain. 17And despite the Midgets clear opposition to such a practice, 18the FSM found the logrolling contests a welcome relief from the dwarf wrestling contests. 19And thus the Lumberjacks practices were tolerated by The Great One, 20but only with a sustainable land management plan.
21And the Big People did thus attempt to emulate the FSM’s Midget jokes on many occasions. 22But the Midget/Midgits had endured many gags by the FSM over the last few thousand years. 23And the Big People’s attempted gags were like water off a ducks back. 24For the Midget/Midgits did thus turn the tables, 25making Big People the butt some many wicked one-liners. 26And the Lumberjack and Pirate jokes came thick and fast. 27And following many televised slanging and haranguing matches on MTV (that’s Midgit TV!) the combined Midgit/Midget crack debating team did thus hammer the Big People.
28And it was thereby decreed by the victorious Midget leader Egbert, that no further jokes of a politically incorrect nature shall be uttered in the lands of Noodle Earth.
29 “Felloo Meedgets, Meedgits, Loomberjecks und Puretes. Ve-a zee feecturs hereby decree-a thet zee veecked jeebes und bed gegs ebuoot iech oozeer shell ceese-a. Fur ve-a shell leern tu leefe-a in peece-a. Ve-a shell leern muny Iteleeun Cuukeeng skeells und receepes, und ve-a shell feend elternete-a meuns ooff pleeseeng oooor Greet Nuudly Mester.”
30Which roughly translate to; “Less jibes, more cooking and lots of prayers to the Great Noodly One”. 31And the FSM thought that this was a major bummer, for all that Theo-speak was sappy and boring. 32And he did bellow across the cosmos:
33 “No more use of 17th Century English prose when addressing me please. Just speak to me normally for crying out loud.”
34And the pirates, tired of all the wowsers, did thus depart the lands of Noodle Earth to seek adventure and treasure. 35And the Lumberjacks soon ran out of timber, tossed in their axes, and joined the Pirates on their tall ships.
36And the First Great Age of Noodle Earth did thus conclude with the departure of the Big People. 37And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did thus yawn at the Midgets and Midgits. 38For like a man-of-the-house with 50 cable channels to view, he did thus flip the many channels of his creations and bellow.
39 “Time to checkout this new stuff on the Pirate Channel, cause these guys have fun.”
40And here endeth the Fifth Book and The First Age of Noodle Earth. 41For keeping in the traditions of other religious texts, no dates or precise scientific evidence shall be mentioned. 42It is The Great One’s wish that vague wording and historical accounts should provide much arguing and disagreement amongst us.
43Nevertheless, it is the irrefutable word of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and therefore must be true.
44Praised be to His Noodly Appendages!! (PBTHNA)