Revelations 2: The Revenge.
*As transcribed by Roy Hunter
1. And lo, the smug and self-satisfied idolators of Europe came forth from their shrines to Newton, Einstein, and Darwin; and did set upon the Mount of Toblerones a huge ringpiece, saying unto each other “Yea, verily this is a bigger ringpiece than even the ringpiece of the American idolators at FermiLab”. And they called the enormous ringpiece “The Large Hadron Collider”, which is a silly name.
2. And the men of the Tabloids did wail and rend their vestment, crying “Lo, it is the end of the World, these idolators shall bring ruin upon the face of the Earth by unleashing unknown forces upon the Firmament”; and they did send word forth that the idolators should henceforth be known as Boffins, and should be ridiculed in our sight.
3. But the Boffins on Mount Toblerone cared not for the men of the Tabloids; and laughed and scorned them, saying “These men of the Tabloids know not whereof they speak, for truly they are obsessed only with Jennifer of Aniston, and Bradgelina of the house of Hollywood”. And the friendship between the Boffins and the men of the Tabloids was cast asunder.
4. And so it came to pass that the Boffins did gather to worship their own cleverness upon Mount Toblerone, and they did gather upon a Wednesday; and on that Wednesday the Boffins did take all the electricity from all the surrounding banks, watchmakers and chocolate factories to tithe their own cleverness through the enormous ringpiece; and the chocolate makers, bankers and watchmakers were vexed and wroth.
5. And so it came to pass that the chocolate makers, bankers and watchmakers did cry unto the Flying Spaghetti Monster “Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster! We are vexed and wroth, for we have no electricity to boil water for our pasta! Forgive our apostasy, for it is due to the Boffins on Mount Toblerone! Deliver us from our torment! RAmen”.
6. And so the Flying Spaghetti Monster came unto Mount Toblerone to see what all the fuss was, and He looked upon the ringpiece and He saw that it was bad; so He manipulated the electromagnets of the Large Hadron Collider with His noodly appendage so that they broke asunder, and thus ended Wednesday.
7. And early upon the Thursday, the Boffins on Mount Toblerone did gnash their teeth and summon their lawyers, for being silly empiricists they did not sense the touch of His noodly appendage; and they did summon the makers of electromagnets and did say unto them “Fix these damn things, or someone is going to get their ass verily sued”, and the makers of electromagnets were full of woe.
8. So the makers of electromagnets did toil all day in the hot sun, under the stewardship of the many lawyers and their threats of litigation; and the Flying Spaghetti Monster did look down upon them with pity, and He decided that no more would He break asunder their electromagnets.
10. So it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster did cause much confusion in the computers of the Large Hadron Collider, saying that Linux shall not speak unto Microsoft, and that remote peers would reset their connections; and He did manipulate ping response times with His noodly appendage, and the Network Geeks on Mount Toblerone did pray to the false prophet Gates for guidance.
11. And the lawyers fell upon the Network Geeks like wolves upon the fold, saying “Thou shalt honour thy employer, and fear the wrath of his lawyers”; and the lawyers did devour the budgets of the Network Geeks, saying “We have a responsibility, no a duty, to spend all of thy research budget on legal fees, whether thou likest it or not”, and thus ended the Thursday.
12. And on the evening of the Thursday, the Flying Spaghetti Monster did look down upon what He had wrought, and He was that it was good; and the next day being Friday, a holy day upon which none should work, He did drink deeply of the Beer Volcano, and did pay his respects at the Stripper Factory.
13. But on the morning of the Friday the lawyers arose early, for they sleepest not and hang upside-down from the branches of the willow like bats; and they did say unto the Network Geeks “Wake! For the Sun who scatter’d into flight; shall set upon thee getting sued tonight!”, and the Network Geeks were full of woe.
14. And the Network Geeks did toil all that holy day, and they drank not of beer, and they ate not of pasta; and they were vexed by the ping responses and IP routing which worked perfectly upon the Friday, for the Flying Spaghetti Monster was not manipulating them with His noodly appendage.
15. And so it came to pass that on the afternoon of the Friday the huge ringpiece was operational, and the Boffins did give thanks, and the lawyers did give invoices; and the Network Geeks and makers of electromagnets did pack up their tents in the night and flee from the lawyers, saying “Let my people go”.
16. Once again did the Boffins worhip at the enormous ringpiece, and did take all the electricity from the bankers, watchmakers and chocolate makers, and once again they were vexed and wroth; and they did cry unto the Flying Spaghetti Monster “Oh FSM! Why hast thou forsaken us?”, but He had forsaken them because He was still sleeping it off.
17. And the Boffins did bask in their own smugness, and did cry out “Oh! What an enormous ringpiece we have wrought”; and they did turn up the power even higher and did become even more smug, and the bankers, watchmakers and chocolate makers did become even more vexed and even more wroth.
18. But the pride of the Boffins was to become their undoing, for upon one of the electromagnets were seven ‘O’ ring seals, and the seven seals were integrity-checked by computer telemetry; and the Network Geeks and makers of electromagnets, who had fled before the wrath of the lawyers, had not properly repaired them, they being vexed, wroth, and full of woe.
19. And behold! The electromagent shook, and the first seal was opened with a noise like thunder, and from it like a horse sprang white steam; and the computer telemetry system said “Come and see”, but the Boffins heard it not, lost as they were in their smugness.
20. And the second seal was opened, and from it like a horse sprang red flames, which had the power to kill like a mighty sword; and the backup systems said “Come and see” but the Boffins paid it no heed, saying unto each other “Get me my agent!” and “Who is doing breakfast television?”.
21. And the third seal was opened, and from it poured black smoke which ruined the wheat and the barley, as well as the olives for making oil and the grapes for making wine; and the junior technicians in the control room did say “Come and see” for they liked not the look of the telemetry, but the Boffins did say “Back off, man – we’re celebrating!”.
22. And the fourth seal was opened, and from it poured forth noxious pale gases which caused death, and they covered the fourth part of the Earth; and the senior technicians who ran the control room said “Come and see”, and the Boffins did say “Huh? What the shit?”, and they did cease from their celebrating.
23. And when the fifth seal was opened, the people in the control room did freak out, saying unto each other “How long, you dipstick? How long has this been going on?”; and they did take on raiments of white HazMat suits, and they did judge each other, each saying unto the other that it was the other’s fault and that they should be killed.
24. And when the sixth seal was opened, there came a great earthquake, and the ground was rent asunder, the sky turned black and the moon became red as a tomato; and the stars of heaven fell to Earth, which really pissed off the Boffins no end, and the sky departed like a roller blind with a dodgy spring, and the people of Earth did hide themselves from all the weirdness.
25. And lo, from the Earth did spring great electric clouds of luminiferous ether, and steaming pools of phlogiston, and the dinosaur bones that had been buried in the Earth to conceal its age did reveal their ‘Made In Taiwan’ markings; and the enormous ringpiece of the Boffins was consumed by the pit.
26. And when the seventh seal finally gave way, there was silence in the heavens and on Mount Toblerone for about half an hour; and then people started calling the Boffins rude names, saying unto them “How much did it cost again?”, and “I wonder who’s getting sued this time?”, and the men of the Tabloids did cry “I told you so!”.
27. And the shouting of the people sounded as the sound of seven trumpets, and the sound roused the Flying Spaghetti Monster from his slumbers, for He likes some big band music once in a while; and when He saw what the Boffins had wrought He was wroth, and as He had a hangover He was doubly wroth and somewhat vexed and full of woe.
28. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did speak unto the people, saying “What have you wrought here?”, and the bankers, watchmakers and chocolate makers did say “It was the Boffins! Blame them!”; but the Boffins did say “No! It was the makers of electromagnets and the Network Geeks! Blame them”.
29. And the makers of electromagnets and the Network Geeks did say “No! It was the lawyers! They are always to blame”; and the lawyers did serve writs upon the makers of electromagnets and Network Geeks, and did order them to cease and desist their activities.
30. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did say unto the lawyers “Well? What dost thou have to say about it?”, and the lawyers did say unto Him “You’d better watch your mouth if you don’t want to end up in court, buddy”; and the Flying Spaghetti Monster was even more wroth and even more vexed and full of woe than He had been before.
31. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did cause the Firmament to come crashing down from Heaven, and the Firmament did sink the land beneath the waves; but the noise did cause the Flying Spaghetti Monster to wince in His delicate state, so He caused a great peace to fall across the Firmament, and he did retire for another quick nap.
32. And so it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster took the rest of the weekend off, and on the Monday He did create another midgit; and He spake unto the midgit saying “Thou shalt remember that Friday is a holy day, when thou shalt get up to no mischief, for thou really doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of my divine retribution when I have a holy hangover”.