REVELATIONS 1: BOOK OF REVEALED CRAPOLA
1:1 And then it came to pass that he who introspects, crosselgged lotus-style with the incense burning and an eye patch on, looked inside his 3rd meatball-chakra, and tapped into the eternal vibe on which His Noodlyness broadcasts to all those that have the knack to listen.
1:2 He spake Thus:
1:3 Whosoevereth tampereth with this Book of Revelations or maketh up falsehoods about It or misrepresenteth It or quoteth It without citation is doom-destined for the abysmal land of Hell Light forever and ever, or until making amends. 1:4 (90 days same as cash!) 1:5 Now get off this floor, and go drink some beer; you’ve been sitting on the floor long enough, my noodly little knowledge seeker.
1:6 Thus was the seeker Touched.
2:1 A Sous-Chef was rolling dough in the galley upon the roughest of seas, when a revelation came to him written in ketchup upon a lasagne noodle.
2:2 “The Shape of the Fish upon the bumpers of land-vessels is actually a listening device that beams all thoughts within a thirty-yard radius directly into a research database on planet Nork.
2:3 And as for the Norkians…
2:4 They know what you’ve been thinking, they know that you’re a flake, they know if you’ve bonked on the hood…so just DON’T, for goodness’ sake!
3 black bart
3:1 An archaeolical dig trying to find the treasure of the Sierra Madra has just unearthed an astonishing find. 3:2 A hoard of glass jars each sealed with a petrified cork lid and each containing rolls of ancient pasta. 3:3 Given the name of ‘The Dead Sea Pasta Jars’ the vessels have been carbon dated to 2000 SB (2000 years before the invention of Spaghetti Bolognese). 3:4 As we all know carbon dating doesn’t count for much these days but Top Archaeologist Dr Heinrich Von Noodleschminke confirmed that the jars and their contents are really really old; I quote “Gott in Himmell dis pasta is really minging” said the good Dr.
3:5 The rolls of pasta contain an ancient script which has so far baffled the experts. 3:6 The writing resembles the ancient Marinara Script but it is believed to be much older. 3:7 Until all the pasta rolls have been sent to the laboratory for gentle soaking in boiling water no further attempt at a transcript can be made.
4 Pirate Reggie
4:1 Then the Seven Holy Pirates with the Seven Trumpets prepared to sound them
4:2 The First Holy Pirate sounded his trumpet and there came moldy meatballs and undercooked pasta mixed with rotten sauce and it was hurled down upon the earth. 4:3 A third of the earth was all nasty and gross, a third of the trees were nasty and gross, and all the green grass was nasty and gross
4:4 The second Holy Pirate sounded his trumped and something like a huge mountain covered in week old chinese food was throw into the sea. A third of all that was in the sea died
4:5 The fourth Holy Pirate sounded his trumped and a third of the earth the moon and the stars became nothing.
4:6 the fifth Holy Pirate sounded his trumped and out from a fallen star came the key of the abbys. out came the minions of the antipasta. 4:7 And they minions of the anitpasta forced all the world to watch every episode of Friends OVER AND OVER again for 5months but He[FSM] blessed his beleivers with mps players loaded with Van Halen so they would not have to hear the words of the Friends.
4:8 And the Sixth and the 7th Pirate whipped out these realy cool Keytars(you know those keyboards that you can play on a strap like a guitar) and started playing this weird techno and all the people covered their ears in disgust. All exept the people of the Flying Spaghetti monster because he had blessed this with a the finest of pastas and sauces and they were to preoccupied to hear the techno”
5:1 A vast fleet of galleons, waving black flags with the FSM Fish sails again! 5:2The Mountain of Creation is found again and on it a monument in the likeness of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
5:3 It has been seen that when the Empire of the Bald Eagle and Mountain of the Four Faces is led by a Chimpanzee from the Land of the Rednecked, a War shall commence with the collapse of Two Towers of Fallen Piracy. 5:4 A sign of these times will appear when the Chimpanzee stutters and spurts in his speech and chokes on his food.5:5 The Chimpanzee will lead the Empire in a show of Zealousness over a false god and bastardization of His Noodlyness.
5:6 Piracy will ascend again into greatness, with the onset of the knowledge of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the fleet will rise. 5:7 Those touched by the Noodly Appendage will take up the eye patch, the regalia of the sacred Pirate. 5:8 And they will spread the Truth of the world. 5:9 The doctrines of the Midget, The Mountain, and the Tree will be heard in schools across the land and then the world!
5:10 And a New Age dawns.
5:11 The Noodle extends, touching and prodding, shifting views and the Earthly Sciences. 5:12 The world begins to reform and be recreated as the Truth of the Noodle is spread around the World.
5:13 Children grow up hearing of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and knowing of the Doctrines of the Pirate. 5:14 In full dress, they crusade into their adult lives, Sailing and struggling to heal the Earth.
5:15 And the Saucey Lord looked down and smiled. 5:16 Noodles descended, and the rein of the Chimpanzee in the Empire of the Bald Eagle and the Mountain of Four Carved Faces was done. 5:17 Arisen in the years to come was one touched by the Noodly Appendage. 5:18 And the person, A Pirate in their right, beat back the wave of Bigotry set in motion and given rise by the Chimpanzee.
5:19 And the Empire was healed. 5:20 And with it, the world regained the Noodly Purity that had existed years before when Pirates were abundant.
5:21 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster smiled.
6:1 Galliano shall go unto the mountain and there he shall beseech the Lord of All Semolina for thee Mighty Noodle shall be displeased with the people. 6:2 And the time shall come to pass when the cheese shall melt and the heavens shall rain a spirited liqueur that shall become the flow of Galliano. 6:3 Woe to the sinners who feast without carbohydrates. 6:4 Woe to the slackers who boil in the microwave. 6:5 And the city of the mighty apartment buildings that lay in the land close upon the shore of the watery water shall sink into despair. 6:6 And a great leader who is a false and not officially elected leader shall bring the people low. 6:7 Upon them shall be heaped flaming globs of marinara for which that shall be no pasta.
6:8 The sky shall grow heavy with the tears of the Pasta Lord as he beholds the sins of the carbo loaders. 6:9 For they have forgotten to grate their own cheeses and choose to buy the stuff in the green cans. 6:10 And this flaw of the lazy shall force the Great Linguini to cast them out of their land that was once wrought with many things.
7:1 And four great monsters came up from the sea, diverse one from another.
7:2 The first was like a pirate, and had parrot’s wings: I beheld till the wings thereof were spread, and it was lifted up from the earth, and made stand upon the feet as a man, and mans’ booty was given to it.
7:3 And behold another, a second, like to a serpent, and it was the Dragon, Atkins, and it raised up itself on one side, and it had three ribs in the mouth of it between the teeth of it: and they said thus unto it, Arise, devour much flesh.
7:4 After this I beheld, and lo another, like a midget, which had upon the back of it a mountain and some trees; the midget had also four heads; and dominion was given to it.
7:5 After this I saw in the night visions, and behold a fourth monster, flying and invisible, and tasty exceedingly; and it had great sauces of pesto: it hovered and brake in pieces, and stamped garlic-bread residue with the feet of it: and it was diverse from all the monsters that were before it; and it had ten noodley appendages.
7:6 I considered the noodley appendages, and, behold, there came up among them another little noodley appendage, before whom there were two meatballs: and, behold, in these noodles were eyes like the eyes of man, and a mouth speaking great things.
7:7 Some of the wine on the table will be spilt,
the third will not have that meatball which he claimed.
Twice descended from the black one of Parmesan,
Peruse and do to Pasta that which he believed.
8:1 From Heaven there sounded a voice dripping in spices tasty but terrible.
8:2 “It’s your turn, my Meagre Mirror Image!”
8:3 “Yeth, Marthter!”, came the muffled reply, ” Jus’ lookin’ for the right button.”
8:4 A great silence fell on all the lands that lasted roughly 3.14159 seconds.
8:5 Then the foundations of the Earth shook, the ground gaped open and a thick vapour rose from the depth.
8:6 A smell emitted from the vapour, so rotten as nothing I ever imagined.
8:7 “Limburger Jahrgang 1850″, shouted the First Holy Pirate, the meaning of that being beyond me.
8:8 “Gas Alarm!”, shouted the Second One.
8:9 “Take cover!”, the Third.
8:10 The Fourth grasped the candlestick he had taken from the second church and handed it to the fifth, who lit it.
8:11 All the four beasts jumped behind the overturned altar table when the Sixth Holy Pirate swung the burning candle and threw it into the vapour.
8:12 “Get down, you idiot!”, I heard the Seventh Pirate say, who pulled me behind the barrier just in time.
8:13 A tongue of flame shot out from the vapour upwards to heaven and downwards into the abyss from where a mushroom cloud began to rise.
8:14 “Woe!”, the Holy Pirates cried and “Alas!”, the four beasts.
8:15 “What a waste!”, they all in unison.
8:16 “There goeth a ten year supply of pizza fungi”, squawked the Fiery Parrot.
8:17 Then the mushrooms rained down on us, just a third of them still edible, the rest either burned or torn to pieces.
8:18 “Sorry, crowds!”, said the voice from the sky, “but that cheese was long overdue and I thought the larder above it was empty. I shouldn’t have delegated the storage management to Mepastaphiles. Always making mischief, that guy!”
8:19 “Let there be fresh food!”, the voice sounded again.
8:20 The altar table rose again to its feet and filled with a hearty meal in an instant.
8:21 The Seven Holy Pirates, the four beasts and the Fiery Parrot took their seats and began to feast.
8:22 “You too!”, said the voice to me and a chair was given to me at the table where I feasted with them until the sun rose red from the seas.
9:1 And in my hunger I saw a vision of doom, the four horsemen of the Atkins rose up and rode across the land.
9:2 Diet rode first and in her wake caused the pasta to remain forever hard and cursed to never become al dente. 9:3 Diet watched over as the people as they boiled and cried, boiled and cried and laughingly taunted the people and by leaving only limp lettuce in her wake for sustenance. 9:4 Then my vision faded to white and as the eldritch horror of a plain egg white omelette obliterated the land my cutlass fell from my hand. 9:5 As the albumen of my vision receded it was replaced by a new horror.
9:6 I saw Additives emerge, and as he galloped out in he raised in his right hand the “can of revulsion” and from it flowed cheap meatballs. 9:7 And the pirates saw this and a wail of sorrow arose from their ships. 9:8 Then, with his left hand he took the microwavable squeeze tube of artificial colour, flavourings and preservatives and squished. 9:9 Thus it came to pass that the true meatballs were hidden from the faithful who; suffered and searched, suffered and searched, suffered and searched again. 9:10 Always looking for true meatballs amongst the canned and processed the faithful were forced to eat the abominations that covered the earth looking for the true meatballs. 9:11And hyperactivity and allergies arose across the nation.
9:12 Almost silently Fundamentalism strode into the land, and while the people itched and sneezed from Additives torments he twisted the holy truth with lies and exaggeration. 9:13 Carefully and unrecognised his weapons were put to use. 9:14 With the shield of ignorance and thunderous megaphone of blame he caused the unholy scriptures to be written. 9:15 Blasphemous writings of beer drains, sensibly dressed clothing manufacturers and strict rigid moral standards were sent out as the one true word. 9:16 If only the people had seen the handkerchief of hypocrisy and put it on a boil wash. 9:17 I shook my head to disperse the terrors in my mind to no avail. 9:18 I saw how the pirates were persecuted and had their parrots were stuffed before their very eyes, gagged so, no one could speak the python sketch in their honour. 9:19 I looked on and despaired.
9:20 Then, my eardrums were shattered by the peoples screams of “Toto, Toto we are in Kansas” as State Board tore through the suffering world. 9:21 Creating schools in her wake, lobotomising biology teachers and with a cackle let loose on the earth a pair of (very intelligently designed) peng-skunks that hovered over the earths waters, on a cushion of flatulence, looking for pirates. 9:22 State Board looked over the earth and watched the peng-skunks cut the cheese on their hunt. 9:23 The males stalked the eye patch that signalled their fertility while the females invaded pirates hats that were their nests. 9:24 And thus it came to pass that the passion of the peng-skunks diminished the pirates on the earth. 9:25 And so the earth was warmed.
9:26 Diet, Additives, Fundamentalism and State Board looked over the land and knew that their work was almost done. 9:27 My vision faltered as my mind grasped that what I’d seen so far was only the start and there true mission was yet to come 9:28 And with a terror in my heart the four horsemen rode out to complete there task. 9:29 While the people were pasta-less and the earth warmed the horsemen’s true mission began to create the way for the demon of the end days.
9:30 The world never noticed where the crochet band and bobby pins went. 9:31 Dodgy woollen cardigans and oddly striped scarves vanished from children’s drawers. 9:32 And it came to pass that horsemen hid all the odd boots with the ankle wool trim, and the tights so thick they were bullet proof in that odd tan colour were changed to become pliable and a normal skin colour. 9:33 In there despair the people did not notice, but the pirates, even though tortured by passionate peng-skunks, recognised the evil that was coming but were powerless to stop them. 9:34 When the final smell of parma-violet and boiled cabbage left the world the pathway was clear and the accursed doorway was unlocked.
9:35 With a shake of an aged head, as the last bun was undone and the bobby pin taken, a final utterance on the planet of “make sure you have clean undergarments just in case your in an accident” was heard. 9:36 Then, the door was thrown open to the horror behind that crawled through to envelope the world.
9:37 I awoke suddenly to the smell of pasta. 9:38 My friends and loved ones were holding me down and I was screaming, screaming with terror as I had seen the opening of the door that hails of the end of days. 9:39 I looked around and saw pasta, meatballs and sauce heading my way, the holy sacrament to comfort me, but seared to my soul and destined to stalk my dreams is the eldritch, indescribable, soulless vision of the monster from beyond that is the Anti Dee Dee.
9:40 Oh noodley one, save us from this horror.
10:1 There were four of us, young boys, in a sailboat on the great lake of erie, dressed as pirates. 10:2 Our cargo was small, but precious: 2 beers smuggled aboard by my little brother Joshua without our knowledge, thirty dollars worth of tobacco in a brown paper bag, my gift to my friends. 10:3 Three bargain bin amateur porno mags bought by Bobby on the eighteenth anniversary of his birth, three bargain bin foreign porno mags one russian and two mexican purchased by Bob for his best friend Eric. 10:4 The wind bore us swiftly to our destination, a giant bonfire on the beach on the peninsula. 10:5 As we reached the celebration we foundered upon the sand, the waves threatened to run us aground. 10:6 It was at that moment that the great flying spaghetti monster looked upon us and seeing our greif over decline of piracy and our enthusiasm for beer, porn, and pipe tobacco, reached down and touched us each with his noodly appendage. 10:7 He spoke (with his appendage of course) and told us of the creation of the world, of the mountain and the trees and the midget. 10:8 He told us global warming and the importance of pirates. 10:9 He told us that headaches are the direct result of an imbalance in the ratio of the number of ninja to samaurai. 10:10 Then, it was as if his great meatballs themselves filled the sails and pushed us free of the sandbar. 10:11 We immediately swam ashore and proceeded to preach his gospel dressed in the garb of his followers. 10:12 We were speaking in pirate tongues of course. 10:13 Much of what I have learned I am still unable to express in english. 10:14 It sounds to the unenlightened as nothing more than Argh!’s, Avast!’s, Ahoy!’s and Yo!Ho!’s. 10:15 That night we slept on the lake in the sailboat smoking cheap cigars and reading discount porn by flashlight, reflecting on the experience.
10:16 That night on the boat, he came to me. 10:17 Dangling from the heavens on a great noodly appendage was a very small pirate, a midget in fact. 10:18 And he spake and he said.
10:19 “Arr, wouldn’t it be cool if the world flooded and there was like, no land anywhere. 10:20 Arrgh! 10:21 Basically, that’s what this here global warrmin be about. 10:22 If tharr be no pirrates, the planet will create pirates. 10:23 The only way to do this be to force everyoen ta live on boats. 10:24 The great Flying Spaghetti Monsterrrr be not responsible forrr this, well not directly. 10:25 You see, the earrth be supposed to have pirates. 10:26 That be how he made it. 10:27 If it be broken it will fix itself. 10:28 So, me skurvy spread the worrd. 10:29 Make everyone watch waterworld. 10:30 Waterworld be to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism what battlefield earth be to Scientology and what The Passion Be to Christianity. 10:31 Plus it’s just be a really good movie. 10:32 Yarrgh”
10:33 So, that’s what he said, I think, or something like that, so…..ya, really makes you think
10:34 oh did I mention he was completely covered in spaghetti and sauce, cause he was
11:1 The Kindgom of the Noodly one draweth nigh!
11:2 While pondering my studies and devouring a delicious helping of pasta, a mysterious presence over came me, and I fell into a deep sleep. 11:3 This is the account of the vision I received.
11:4 I was in the midst of a dark forest which covered the entire earth, with snake like trees standing tall, higher then any tree that any man can perceive. 11:5 They each had 4 heads and slithered gradually along gigantic puddles of blue mud. 11:6 I felt a gloomy feeling of hopelessness, as if all had been lost.
11:7 Then I saw smoke rising in the distance, and went forth to investigate the place of witch it cometh. 11:8 With each step I took, I became more and more saddened, as if something horrible was taking place. 11:9 The source of the smoke was visible. 11:10 It was a stinky old place to two pipes leading out the top and one door. 11:11 There was green slime oozing out the cracks of the walls, and I saw meat. 11:12 When I finally reached the placed and went in, I saw the image of a chef with 2 heads.11:13 I saw one of the heads was red, and one was green.
11:14 I trembled at the hideous site as the horrid creature spoke my name, “Sasumun.” 11:15 “What?” I said with terror in my voice, “What do you want with me?”
11:16 With the sound of a million screeching chalkboards he uttered, “Chef boyar de!”
11:17 Instantly I jumped back in horror. 11:18 There was something about what he was saying that gave me the creeps but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. 11:19 Suddenly, I saw the every nation and every tribe in the 3rd person. 11:20 The beast was oppressing the whole world, forcing them to eat this horrible meat enclosed in a grain envelope. 11:21 I fell to the ground and cried out, “O, noodly one, stop this, stop this, the world doesn’t deserve this.”
11:22 I lay there on the ground suffering for what felt like years. 11:23 All I saw was the decay of good health by this hideous thing. 11:24 The odor of just one of his hairs caused a global wide technological melt down, and thus he had control over the whole world. 11:25 For you see, he came to the rescue in a global crisis, promising peace and good health, but he gave them just the opposite. 11:26 And he inserted a chip in every man’s forehead, and in every woman’s wrist that forced them to eat the crap that he prepared them.
11:27 Many nights past me by, as all of mankind suffered. 11:28 Then finally, something happened. 11:29 In the split of a second, in the instant of an eye, the food of the evil one poisoned him and he perished. 11:30 Then I saw the bark of every tree in every forest peal, revealing a new layer of bark that was fresh with the sweet smell of steam and tomato sauce. 11:31 And I saw noodles of spaghetti spout from the braches of the trees. 11:32 And behold every tree was fruitful with meatballs and spaghetti, standing tall as an intertwined marvel of spaghetti delight.
11:33 And I saw the blue puddles of mud become bright red. 11:34 The sweet aroma on tomato sauce filled the entire planet, and THEN I saw him. 11:35 It was the most miraculous spectacular wonder that world had ever witnessed and would ever witness again. 11:36 The skies began to drip the most sweetest, delicious tomato sauce, even sweeter than that of the spaghetti trees. 11:37 Rising from every tree was a swirling fog of steam that ascended higher and higher collecting more and more steam as it flew. 11:38 Suddenly, some of the trees were caught up with the sauce, and they formed, the most spectacular being I ever laid my eyes on. 11:39 The Flying Sphigetti Monster in all his glory descended from his own fog. 11:40 And greeted every nation and every tribe with a warm open welcome. 11:41 And he spoke, “Feast, my children, elect ones who have come out of the hand of the Antipasto for this kingdom shall never end.”
11:42 All rejoiced, and it was a party for all eternity, but then, the most horrible thing happened. 11:43 The Flying Spaghetti Monster turned to me and said, “You, you don’t belong here. 11:44 This is not your time. 11:45 Not yet, but I have given you this prophetic vision of symbolism so that you may record the account of what is to come, and help spread my word, that there will be an everlasting feast of pasta for every believer of my name.”
11:46 And I awoke, but I could have sworn that just as I stood up from my slumber, a sweet smelling steam left my body and ascended into the heavens. 11:47 I believe, this was the spirit of the noodly one. 11:48 For you see, he has many manifestations. 11:49 He need not just be limited by noodly form, but he can be a misty saucy steam, a spirit, an unlimited manifestation that can inspire the spirit of man from now until the end of time.
12 wlrube “THE CUSTOMARY ‘GREAT DELUGE’ STORY”
12:1 The unfaithful spread across the face of the Earth, and without the guidance of the One True Monster began to engage in brutal wars fueled by their beliefs in their false deities. 12:2 And He saw this evil, and was displeased, and the Earth shook with his displeasure. 12:3 And lo; He resolved that his creation had turned to evil, and must be destroyed. 12:4 And He decided to drown the Earth in a great deluge, so that not an unbeliever on the Earth would survive to spread the brutality fueled by fanatic beliefs. 12:5 And lo; with His Noodly Appendage he created a great amount of the water that He used to boil His spaghetti, and He gathered it in the heavens.
12:6 But He was filled with sorrow, for after His flood there would be none to enjoy His Noodly feast. 12:7 But He was resolved on His course; the world did not worship the One True Monster, and its people destroyed each other in religious wars, and were thus too evil to survive. 12:8 And He turned off the Stove of Heaven, and the water in which He cooked His spaghetti began to cool, and began to rain down upon the Earth. 12:9 But lo; as the waters rained down, He looked, and saw that there was a single human who still worshiped His Noodliness. 12:10 And He saw that this human was called Blackbeard.
12:11 And Blackbeard had a great ship, which was well fit to sail the wide seas of Earth. 12:12 Lo; for Blackbeard had used this ship to steal food and treasure from the less able ships of the unbelievers who wandered the seas. 12:13 And the Monster observed Blackbeard, and decided that he should survive the flood. 12:14 And He said unto Blackbeard; “Blackbeard, it is I, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.” 12:15 And Blackbeard fell to his knees, and said unto the Monster; “why have You sent this evil flood upon the Earth, for nobody shall be able to enjoy Your Noodly feast after the flood.”
12:16 But the Monster said unto Blackbeard; “you must gather all of the ingredients of the feast, and you must put them in your boat, and survive the great flood.” 12:17 And the waters were falling, but Blackbeard sent his crew out to gather the plants and animals of the Earth; and lo; for they succeeded. 12:18 But Blackbeard said unto the Monster; “how shall all of the plants and animals fit into my small ship?” 12:19 And the Monster said; “it is My will that they should, so do not ask such foolish questions.” 20. But Blackbeard said unto the Monster; “why do the unbelievers not board boats as well?”
12:21 And the Monster said; “it is My will that they should not, so do not ask such foolish questions.” 12:22 But Blackbeard said unto the monster; “why shall the ferocious lions and other beasts not attack me when I attempt to bring them to my ship?” 12:23 And the Monster said; “it is My will that they should not, so do not ask such foolish questions.” 12:24 And Blackbeard asked many foolish questions of the Monster, until the Monster grew angry. 12:25 The Monster cried; “enough! for it is My will that this should happen, and I shall enforce My will with My Noodly Appendage.”
12:26 And Blackbeard was quiet, and his crew loaded the plants and animals onto his ship. 12:27 But lo; for the flood waters were rising, and Blackbeard finished loading his ship just as the waters began to destroy the rest of mankind. 12:28 And they did not use their numerous boats to escape the flood’s wrath, and perished. 12:29 And they did not gather on top of high mountains, and perished. 12:30 And the flood lasted for many days, and it carved into the land many geologic features that seemed as if they could only have been created over many millions of years.
12:31 And the plants and animals and crew of Blackbeard’s ship did not die for lack of food or fresh water; for the Monster provided all. 12:32 And finally after many days, the Monster saw that all Earth was dead except the plants, beasts, and people on Blackbeard’s ship, and turned on the Stove of Heaven. 12:33 The waters receded, and the Earth was pure once again. 12:34 And Blackbeard’s ship landed atop a high mountain, as the waters continued to recede. 12:35 And Blackbeard said unto the Monster; “how shall the many continents and islands of the Earth, surrounded by the sea, be repopulated if all life is now here at this mountain?”
12:36. And the Monster said; “it is My will that they should; do not ask such foolish questions.” 12:37 And Blackbeard said unto the Monster; “why should the ferocious beasts such as lions and tigers not kill and eat the more frail animals now and cause them to be gone for all time?” 12:38 And the Monster said; “it is My will that they should not; do not ask such foolish questions.” 12:39. The Monster again silenced Blackbeard, and he again submitted to His will. 12:40 And the Monster said unto Blackbeard; “go forth and populate the lands, that the Noodly feast may be enjoyed for all time.”
12:41. And the Monster said; “lo; such a great flood shall never again destroy the Earth, and my Stove of Heaven shall for 5 billion years burn and keep the holy boiling water in the sky.” 12: 42 And the people of Blackbeard spread across the Earth, and worshiped the Monster, and were content. 12:43 But lo; for the people began to eat of the spicy foods as did the blasphemers of old, and witness delusions of other deities as did the blasphemers of old, and lose faith in the One True Monster. 12:44 But lo; for the Monster did not destroy Earth as He had before, for He realized in His wisdom that blasphemers would always exist as long as free will existed. 12:45 And so the Monster came to a compromise between free will and the punishment of blasphemers.
12:46 As His Noodliness had agreed, the Stove of Heaven would never turn off and leave the holy boiling water to rain down from Heaven and flood the Earth. 12:47 However, should the descendents of Blackbeard ever perish from the Earth, the Stove of Heaven would grow hotter, and it would heat the Earth. 12:48 And though the Stove of Heaven would not destroy all Humanity, it would destroy some, and cause great displeasure to the rest. 12:49 And the descendents of Blackbeard, those who roamed the seas and raided the ships of others, were the true People of the His Noodliness, and were known as Pirates. 12:50 And the Monster blessed the Pirates, that the Stove of Heaven should never scorch the Earth as long as the Pirates roamed the Seas, and the people of Earth were content.
The Revelation of St. Oregano
13:1 “And there was a young pirate who did’st scrub his Captain’s deck loyally who received unto him a vision”
13:2 “from upon high that spake unto him, saying, ‘Thou hast been chosen to receive the Sauciful word of the Almighty Noodle.’”
13:2 1/2 “And young Oregano did’st inquire, ‘What the fu-’”
13:2 2/2 “But the great voice did’st quell his fear saying, ‘Fear not, matey. For I am the Almighty Noodle, creator of beer volcanos and stripper factories. Surely ye know I care for thee?’”
13:3 “And young Oregano did’st retort, ‘But if ye cared for me, thou would’st with thy Almighty Noodley Appendage smite the fundamentalists from Westboro!’”
13:4 “‘Young Oregano, surely even you must see that those who deny my Noodley existence will one day not drinkst from”
13:5 “Beer Volcanoes and partake of Stripper Factories? Surely you see that those whom hate and hate a thousandfold”
13:6 “must forever read textbooks of science and math?’ spoke the mighty voice of the Eternal Spaghetti.”
13:7 “‘Science, o Great Noodle? But I thought thou did’st change scientific data with thy Noodley Appendage?’”
13:8 “And the Almighty Noodle replied saying, ‘Arrgh, thou speak’st true! But surely thou doth see that what they protesteth much against and cannot comprehend, they will be doomed to forever learn?’”
13:9 “And young Oregano was awestruck. ‘Thy Noodley Justice is awesome and powerful!’”
13:10 “And the Almighy Noodle did’st reveal, ‘I shall reveal to you now what no pirate or wench has heard.’”
13:11 “Eagerly, young Oregano awaited.”
13:12 “And the powerful voice from on high spake, saying, ‘In the Year of Our Noodle 1988, I will send to you a prophet who speaks true. He will hail from the Castle Arrrrrggghhhhhhh and he will speak truth to all the world. His name will be”
13:13 “Stephen, the Hawking. He will descend from the sky on a cloud in a throne with wheels and he will love and be loved by all, except those from Westboro. And his visions of holes of black will be the truth.’”
13:14 “‘The truth?’ Young Oregano was eager to know.”
13:15 “‘Yea, verily, it will be the truth! Except for one minor detail.’”
13:16 “Oregano was struck with great confusion. ‘And thou Almighty Noodle, what will’st that minor detail surely be?’”
13:17 “And the Great Noodle did’st reveal, ‘The Prophet Hawking will proclaim with saucy appeal of holes of black that contain infinite gravity and density, but the noodley truth is that these are not holes of black.’”
13:18 “Young Oregano, blinded and blessed with awesome Noodley knowledge did’st ask, ‘What will these holes of black surely be?’”
13:19 “And the Almighty Noodle, creator of beer volcanoes and stripper factories spake unto Oregano the truth, saying,”
13:20 “‘They will surely be my powerful Meatballs!’”
14 Platypus Enthusiast
Author’s Note: So last night I received an awesome revelation in my alphabet soup. I transcribed the messages I received from three bowls worth. While I cannot decipher the divine tongue that it is written in, I have decided it deals with the Apocalypse due to the the few English words the FSM must have slipped in for my benefit. In Chapter 1, verse 3 “THE”, in Chapter 2, verse 7 “END”, and in Chapter 3, verse 5 “BYE”.
The Apocalypse of Alphabet Soup
1 LAKJWEIXCLMNSDAJHASJN. 2 MNXCSDIJEAIWAMNSCAASDPOWXCNXZKJHWPAWOUZXNG. 3 SAKLDQWPOXZMCKJEALWIJLZXMCZSDSPSWDLDALSXMHTHEPKNFLKASDH. 4 DFKDASOAQWMNCZKJXHAWJKXCNXMCNZSLDFJOESLKNCDMZXNALWJDLAKSFZXNZXVZHXVZKLXVK. 5 IUAHSKJSANMWSPODDFJD. 6 MGCDJALSKDJASKFDJAWIAPLCNXJ. 7 SMJDASDAMSDNAKJSHDAMSNAK DFSDDSKFSDLFKAWSDFSDFASDFDSFASDPROLDKF. 8 PUOGSSDFJSDHFSDKFHDFASHHKJYURSGFSFDG.
1 THIEEJLEHKASDEJSDKFEJEEGEJDSASKDFKFJALDKSJASDFKLJADSLFKJDSLKFJALKSLDJDKJD DFGDFGDFGZJDHASKJDHASKJASASSJDS. 2 AASJDHASKJHADSLDAORFGSDKFJASIWDKCVLI. 3 PALQWSCLKXLCASDLKDALKSJDOIWAXMMVNKJPAJWDOILKDFAKDSFADSFADFAFFFAS. 4 FKDASKDJASKDFJALKSJFLKASJFLKASDJFFDGHDFGHDELSAOIEDZCVMZKJSDFALG. 5 DARLKFJFSFDASDFADSLKSOEFKLNZSMLSAKFJJFLKDSJ. 6 KDJALSSASKFDLKDFJLDFLKDJGFL. 7 LKASJDASKFKJWDIAFLKNENDASKDASDLWOEDPDOVKFDSKA.
1 ASKDJASLKDJSNVKSJDHALKSDFASMFNAL. 2 OJKJKMCXZNCZSASLKSJDKALFDFSDGKSFG. 3 LMDXIAWERLFFJGSDKJPOSFLKFGJCVNWKLFMZDLVSMDNVSMDV. 4 ASFDKSDFSDSDMVNDSMNDFSDK. 5 ZXCVPEFKMBVDFKFGLDKFBNCVLMNVSLKDFNVMFSNASDDGSFDBYEDFSDKFNSDMVMSDVN. 6 KDTSDFJHAFHJSBNSFGWOFLCVMVNSJERVBDMNZFBKJEFHSDNXDMVNE. 7 ASKDJSHDFSDJFHDSJHSDFJSHFKSJDHG. 8 DSFGKBDFKJGLDKRKVBJKCBVKXJSGDVKZFBKFZJ. 9 DFKJDKJXCVLKXCJVKLZVJBZLKJBZOFBLKBFLKFGHSXJVKJHFEKJZSNVMXCVNKJEVHMCXVB.