The Sermon on the Mall
Author’s Note: Delivered on the Voorhees Mall at Rutgers University, during Tent State on 4/27/10.
1 Jeff, a captain of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the stored Cheeses, To the students of the 19 schools on the five campuses: 2 Ahoy. 3 My mateys and wenches, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy. 4 It is merely just the FSM fucking with you and you should be happy to have His attention. 5 But a crisis is looming, one that you should not be happy about. 6 Our lives are at stake in this world, and our souls in the next.
7 “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Arrrgh!” Piraticus 13:7. 8 The Flying Spaghetti Monster’s chosen people are pirates, and He made man in their image, but man has forsaken Him. 9 I see no shoulders with parrots perched on top, no eyes covered by eyepatches. 10 I see no hands replaced with hooks, no legs replaced with pegs.
11 Global warming is proof of the FSM’s dissatisfaction with mankind. 12 Our Holy Graph shows us that as pirates have decreased in population over the years, killed by ninjas and other ne’er-do-wells, global temperatures have increased. 13 Pirates are after all His chosen people and He’s a little pissed off.
14 And if that wasn’t bad enough, I see more and more of my fellow students falling prey to the Dark Lord Darwin. 15 He corrupts them with reason and evidence, tricking them into thinking the myth of evolution true and causing them to choose Science and Philosophy over our holy and delicious teachings. 16 He tempts them will his facts, facts that fuck up our precious blind faith. 17 And while we don’t have a Hell in the usual sense, these poor souls surely won’t get to the best parts of Heaven, which has a beer volcano and stripper factories by the way.
18 Let me present St. Jason’s description of the best part of heaven, so you know what you’re aiming for. 19 “And true to his word, as we climbed, Heaven improved. The fragrance of great cooking was everywhere. The beer changed to the bitterest of IPAs, the richest of Porters, the sourest of Lambecs. Great clumps of tomatoes and garlic and basil seemed to grow everywhere. And the pasta! Ravioli exploding with flavor. Pot Stickers that satisfied with a single one, yet left you hungry for more. And I had a Cannolini that would make a grown man weep. The strippers we passed were humblingly beautiful, even the men. And as we crested the top, I was allowed to witness the Holy of Holies. I cannot describe to you the glories there save for the fact that truly the most Witty, the most Piratical, the most Respectful, and the most Comely of the pastafarians and strippers were found there. They ate of pastas so good as to make heroin pale in comparison. They drank of freshly erupted beers so good as to make mortal brewmasters despair. And above it all, flew the Spaghetti Monster.” Revelations of St. Jason 4:0-1.
20 These are indeed dark times. 21 But the scripture does provide us with comfort. 22 For example, in the Tale of Dave and Kyodai, written back during the Ninja’s Purge of the Pirates. 23 Dave, a young cabin boy, volunteers to fight the deadly ninja champion, Kyodai, who Dave’s crewmates were too fearful to fight. 24 Now Kyodai had killed many pirates and was pretty bad ass, but Dave, who had never been in battle, was confident he could win. 25 They approached each other to fight. 26 “Dave said to the ninja, “You come against me with your fancy sword, but I come against you in the name of the FSM, the God of the pirates, whom you have defied. Today the FSM will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and kick you in the nuts.” Dave and Kyodai 4:10-11. 27 Dave, helped by the FSM, smited the powerful ninja with a single meatball.
28 You can also find solace in Pastalm 23, “1 The Flying Spaghetti Monster is my chef; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to sit down at full tables: he leadeth me beside the busy kitchens.
3 He restoreth my appetite: he leadeth me in the paths of excellent cuisine for his name’s sake.
4 Arr, though I walk through the kitchen of the empty cupboards, I will fear no hunger: for thou art with me; thy noodles and thy meatballs they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my meal with sauce; my platter runneth over.
6 Surely flavor and deliciousness shall follow me all the minutes of my supper: and I will dwell in the dining room of the Flying Spaghetti Monster forever.” The message is clear; you can be saved simply by having blind faith.
29 The FSM is not a douche. 30 He really doesn’t care what we do. 31 He offers suggestions and lists things he’d really rather us not do, but if we don’t listen, it’s no biggie. 32 But He is a drunk, and He is kinda dumb, so there are accidental smitings now and then. 33 But there are some he really looks after and helps them in their time of need.
34 Blessed are you who cannot afford ramen, for yours is the Kingdom of Pasta
35 Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you will be filled.
36 Blessed are you who are sober, for you will get drunk at the heavenly beer volcano.
37 Blessed are you who are horny, for you will get laid by angelic strippers.
38 So I beg of you, save the planet, save mankind, save your eternal souls. 39 It will not be easy. 40 It is written “It is easier for a meatball to pass through the eye of a tornado than for a confused man to enter the Kingdom of Pasta.” ProvHerbs 3:40. 41 But you must try. 42 Kick that demon Charles Darwin in the balls. 43 But let the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with His noodly appendage. 44 Let Him annoint you with His delicious sauce. 45 Let Him fill your stomach with His divine meal. 46 “With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl” ProvHerbs 3:35. 47 You can be saved. 48 RAmen.