A Letter from ADoS to the Dying

Chapter 1

1 Ahoy, me fellow dyin’ followers of our Great Noodly Lord.

2 I says “fellow” for to all appearances, it seems we must all go to drink from the Beer Volcano at some point in our lives, usually at the end. 3 I counts meself as most likely included in this trend.

4 This trend, on that note, is one that often causes concern for those who has not yet died for the final time in their lives. 5 We may worry about what will happen after we dies, both on Earth an’ in the great beyond. 6 I wish to address these concerns, as far as Pastafarians is concerned.

Chapter 2

1 On Earth, many o’ the more accepted religions has what is called “last rites”, rituals that must be performed in order for the best outcome to occur for the deceased an’ those who were part o’ the deceased’s former life. 2 I has seen many inquiries about what a last rite for Pastafarians might be. 3 The Flying Spaghetti Monster, in His wisdom an’ drunkenness, has never made it totally clear what should be done with a Pastafarian corpse. 4 This has undoubtedly been a large part o’ the reason for many inquiries, but rather, I says that it has been made vague intentionally.

5 Consider the ways a typical pirate might die. 6 A pirate may be made to walk the plank, to be devoured by the hungry sharks below. 7 A pirate may be marooned on a deserted island an’ eventually killed an’ eaten by a boar. 8 A pirate captain may be mutinied against, an’ set adrift in a barrel, only to drown when the barrel flips over in rough waters. 9 Sadly, a pirate may be strung up by the Crown an’ impaled on a spike at the entrance to a harbor. 10 An’ o’ course, a pirate may return to shore an’ live incognito till old age or disease strikes. 11 Such a pirate might then be buried in the ground.

12 Me point is that a life o’ piracy has no guarantees about the causes o’ death, an’ as such no guarantees about what shall be done with the bodies. 13 As piracy is the Noodly Lord’s ideal lifestyle for His followers, it would make sense that He would not place strict requirements on us about last rites. 14 Presumably a death during an act o’ piracy would be ideal, but it must be remembered that many traditional allies o’ pirates are not, in fact, pirates (for instance, wenches, barkeepers, shipwrights, even the royalty in some cases), an’ thus it also makes sense that even this is not required.

15 Me advice to ye, worried Pastafarians, is that ye should arrange for whatever pleases ye to happen to yer body when ye dies. 16 There be no guarantees that it will happen, but ultimately, it probably doesn’t matter.

Chapter 3

1 The other concern I wish to address is that o’ the afterlife. 2 What we know o’ the afterlife is almost as vague as the instructions for last rites. 3 We are fairly sure that there be Firmament, a Beer Volcano, an’ a Stripper Factory, an’ we can assume there be pasta an’ great oceans to sail upon. 4 We can also assume we might meet our Great Starchy Deity, sauce be upon Him. 5 Beyond this, we know very little o’ the afterlife, an’ as a result, there be much debate about what kind o’ beer is in the Volcano, whether there be male strippers for the females, whether there be any punitive system, an’ many other things.

6 I posit that the nature o’ the afterlife has been left vague for similar reasons as for instructions for last rites. 7 We know several things about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 8 The fact that He is very frequently drunk is the most cited trait, but He is also mostly benevolent, an’ He also enjoys manipulating data to hide the truth. 9 It is therefore possible, or so I surmise, that He has not only taken into account the fact that one-size-fits-all Heavens do not, in fact, fit all, but that He also was able to create a Heaven that is pleasing to just about everyone (or at least everyone who isn’t a total asshole), an’ the only reason we cannot fathom it is due to His love o’ changing our observations with His Noodly Appendages! 10 ARRGH!

11 This is only a guess, o’ course, but it should be enough to hopefully discourage disparagin’ others simply because they disagrees with yer own ideas o’ what Heaven is.

Chapter 4

1 I hopes this will help to ease yer minds, fellow Pastafarians, an’ free it up to do some interestin’ ponderin’, on the subject o’ death an’ otherwise.

2 Ramen! Pasta be with ye all.