First Letter From Edd to the Partiers

1 On the day designated for celebration by the FSM, which is today, three wenches held parties for their respective friends and family.

2 The first wench obsessed over every guest’s likes and dislikes, desperately trying to ensure that everyone had the most magnificent time possible. 3 She spent more money than she could afford and was in a constant state of panic over how the party might go. 4 Her significant other was forced to the local pub to seek the relative peace and quiet of the afternoon brawl.

5 On the night of the first wench’s party, nothing went as planned. 6 The non-vegetarians ate all the meatless hors’ d’oeuvres before the vegetarians even arrived. 7 The band refused to play the medley of songs she requested and ended up getting drunk and hitting on her teenage nieces. 8 She tried to compensate for the seeming lack of conversation between her guests by flitting from group to group pointing out their mutual hobbies and acquaintances, but inevitably ended up interrupting at least a few interesting discussions. 9 In the end, everyone left well before midnight, which is the sure sign of an unsuccessful party. 10 The first wench spent the rest of the night cleaning up, wondering what she might have done differently.

11 The second wench only worried about one person – her mother-in-law. 12 The décor was done in the style of her youth, the food was all of her favourites, and there was no loud music since she had ‘delicate sensibilities.’ 13 The hag, I mean mother-in-law, arrived early and left early, seemingly in good spirits, and the rest of the guests ordered pizza and brought out a radio to make the best of the rest of the night.

14 The next day, the second wench felt bad that her friends had been forced to entertain themselves but was satisfied that at least she had impressed the one she had set out to. 15 Then, she spoke to her sister-in-law.

16 It seems that the old woman had immediately began criticizing everything the wench had done the moment she had walked out of her house. 17 She complained about the food, the neighbours, the class of friends invited, the furniture, and the hostess’ outfit. 18 The second wench broke into tears, despairing of ever pleasing the woman.

19 The third wench threw a party based on a theme she and her pirate decided upon. 20 Invitations went out to all she wanted to attend and none to those she did not. 21 She was considerate of known food allergies, but otherwise did not cater to any particular taste other than her own. 22 Music was a selection of their favourites from their personal collection with the local kids’ garage band allowed to jam for an hour. 23 The good grog ran out early, but they made do with what could be obtained from the neighbour’s still. 24 When her uncle got drunk and tried to start a fight with her boss, she sent him to the guest bedroom to sleep and laughed about it with her employer.

25 As the third wench and her pirate said good-bye to the last guest, with the sun’s rays peaking over the horizon, she was content, knowing that the majority of her friends and family had had a good time, but more importantly, she and her pirate had enjoyed themselves the most.

26 To thine own self be true because even the best laid plans go awry. 27 It is not possible to please everyone, all the time, so do not forget to include your own desires in your plans.

28 Party on, dude