Muellers II

A second letter to the Macaronians


1Praise be to Our Lord Glob in Heaven, 2and a hearty yo-ho-ho unto you, my Brother and Sister Pastafarians. 3I am pleased to hear that my previous missive was well-received, 4and that the stonings have ceased. 5Our Noodly One finds it reprehensible that violence be done in His Most Tasty Name. 6The ancient and wise prophets tell of many misinterpretations of the concept of punishment in His Noodliness’s World and the Hereafter of the Sacred Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory. 7This is not without cause; for our minds are small and His is Infinite. Yarrr, indeed.

8Let me mention again my familiarity with the writings of ancient prophets, 9for it is to these we must turn for answers to the complex questions you now ask. 10I do not doubt that misunderstanding of this abstraction was at the root of your squabble over the nature of the afterlife, 11and your confusion over how souls will be sorted. 12Argggghhhhh, this be one of the sticky points of Our Great Stringy and Orbed One’s Creation of All That There Is: the Flimsy Moral Standards.

13Arguments have ensued since the Great Creation of the Midgit/Midget as to what constitutes “Flimsy”, 14what constitutes “Moral”, 15and what constitutes “Standard(s)”. 16To further complicate the matter, the three words are solidified into a single phrase, 17with its own set of semantic confusion and argument. 18The errors and heresies of the past have been a result of eliminating or misinterpreting one of the words.

19You will remember, of course, the now extinct sect of the Moustaciolians. 20Their heresy was a dismissal of the word “Flimsy.” 21They argued that the word was too abstract for an actual definition – too “flimsy,” if you will. 22They therefore disregarded it altogether, and simply went about enforcing what they regarded as “Moral Standards.” 23This led them to become a warlike culture, hated by all their neighbors. 24They were so sexually repressed they refused to reproduce; 25hence their current status as extinct.

26A similar fate befell the Ricearonians, 27whose heretical fallacy was to argue against any definable concept of Morals. 28No activity was forbidden. 29If another believer looked at you oddly, 30you could simply kill him. 31As you may imagine, this led to a shortage of converts, and an ever-shortening list of followers. 32The Ricearonians lasted about six months.

33The Couscousians have thankfully veered away from their disastrous heresy of refusing to imagine that Standards can be applied. 34They felt that the word “Flimsy” was irreconcilable with the word “Standard.” 35Therefore, they simply had “Flimsy Morals.” 36The Couscousians were well on their way to dying from preventable Sexually Transmitted Diseases. 37A few Letters and some cases of Penicillin have since put the Brothers and Sisters back on the road to True Believership.

38The Great Pastalogians and Pastapologists of the past have insisted that the three words be regarded in their entirety. 39They appear together without fail, in every ancient known source text. 40Granted, the overall concept can be easily misinterpreted, but you must bear in mind this: 41Flimsy Moral Standards are not the same as No Moral Standards. 42The Pastalogians of yore remind us that the concept of Flimsy Moral Standards must be interpreted as a whole with the “Not Commandments, Suggestions,” and various other ancient canonical texts.

43So, what is it you must know, my Pastafarian Brothers and Sisters? 44You must always keep in mind this: 45Whatever occurs between consenting adults and neither hurts nor involves anyone else is none of anyone else’s concern. 46Whatever one chooses to do while alone which hurts no one else is none of anyone else’s concern. 47Pastafarians should never choose to engage in behavior which is harmful to others or involves people who do not or cannot consent. 48Such is true for behaviors both large and small, when it is in the control of the True Believer to avoid.

49Our Heavenly Sauced and Meaty One has blessed all people with knowledge of right and wrong, 50whether they are True Believers or not. 51Beware, O My Kindred Pastafarians, those who claim to have a corner on the market of morality. 52When you hear them start to spout off, you know the smiting will soon follow 53and it won’t be a deity doing it. 54I hope, My Macaronian Brethren, that this clears up the matter, 55and that you will keep the Delicious Faith with you always. 56Ahoy.

Your Scribe Solipsy