Muellers I

a letter to the Macaronians


1My humble apologies for my long absence from among you. 2I have been traveling with a group of Pirates on their ship the Trouser Snake. 3The Captain seems to occasionally fall into deep rum-induced revelries. 4This doth slow the boat’s travel no end, as you might imagine. 5It is tolerable, however, 6as he is a man of our faith and his revelries often produce tales both highly amusing and which seem inspired by Our Noodly Lord Himself, when I can parse them out.

7As you know, the Pirate requirement has not come easily to me. 8I suffer to this day with seasickness, 9and a formal education doesn’t exactly lend itself to the subtleties of the Pirate idiom. 10That, and every time I use “dem dere fancy-pants words”, I am threatened with being forced to walked the plank. 11I still struggle with the necessity to include occasional “Yarrrrr’s”, “Arrrrrrrrgh’s”, and “Yo ho ho’s” in my speech. 12I have more than once had a suspicious eye cast upon me, 13and a few “Ya best not be none a’them scurvy dogs o’ the port authority, or ye’ll be a’hangin’ from the mainmast like the Jolly Roger’s”.

14I am sorry to have indulged in recounting to you my troubles. 15On to the issue at hand; 16I can see from your letter to me that there is dissention among you as to who shall enter the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory of Heaven. 17Obviously, the True Believers shall enter directly, and as customers in no need of reservations. 18They shall be asked to recount their preferences, and thusly shall those preferences be fulfilled. 19I am relieved that I can see nothing in your letter which indicates that this is forgotten among you.

20It is most troubling to me, however, to see that there is argument among you that some sort of separate Hell, 21where those not of The Faith in Our Lord Glob may be thought to go upon their death. 22No, verily no! 23This is not the way of His Great Tastiness. 24He may be most peevish toward the non-believer, t’is true, as the many accounts of His pranks do demonstrate. 25He condemneth not, however, any of His Creatures to eternal torment – 26that is one of the many great sillinesses devised by other earthly religions! 27There is a place in Heaven, though not necessarily pleasant, for all His Creatures.

28Well-meaning non-believers will arrive as wait-staff, with fair labor conditions, 29and may eventually be promoted into upper management positions. 30There will exist, however, no corruption among them. 31During their time off, they will have access to the pleasures of Heaven if they did harm unto no one. 32If they were inconsiderate, or broke the Flimsy Moral Standards by judging others and holding others in contempt for behavior which was none of their business, they will have to pay, and be limited in what they can enjoy. 33Especially nasty people will become the dishwashers and trash-collectors of Heaven.

34Those who have committed great sin, crime, and harm during their time among the living will find their job assignments especially nasty, 35their wages insultingly low, 36their benefits almost non-existent, 37their time off especially short, 38their beer flat, 39their strippers homely, 40and their pasta cold and flavorless. 41They will have no room for advancement for many millennia.

42Lastly are those who did irreparable large-scale harm to the lives of others; they will be treated most harshly. 43The tyrants, the conquerors, the despots, the otherwise greedy and sickeningly unfair; all these will be made to bow down to those whom they harmed. 44Though they will not boil in eternal torment, there will be no end to their subservience. 45Our Heavenly Glob instilled in them the same sense of right and wrong that He gave to others, 46and these people willfully chose to ignore it. 47For them, unkindness in return awaits.

48The Flying Spaghetti Monster who is Our Lord did not create us that we might simply then be condemned for failing to believe in Him. 49What kind of crazy scheme is that; 50to bestow his Creatures with life, then to throw that life he bestowed into eternal torment? 51That is the way of evil deities, not good ones. 52Our One Who Flies and is Saucy understands that life among beings with free will, on a planet with natural systems that cause tumult, and Scientifically Intelligently Designed by a deity who is prankish and can be peevish, should not end in eternal misery. 53That’s insane. 54What kind of fool would believe such a being worthy of worship?

55My Macaronian friends at Meullers, I hope this missive has cleared up the dissent among you, 56and that you will remain joyful in your fellowship and belief in all things Pasta and Saucy. 57Celebrate all things Cheesy, 58and find strength among one another and Our Wise and Great Noodly One Who Touches. Oh, 59and I forgot: Yarrrrrrrrrrr.

Your Scribe Solipsy