An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife
*As transcribed by Solipsy and Auntie Dee Dee
A Note from the Second Council of Olive Garden: This was formerly the First Announcement Regarding Canonical Belief, but we moved it here to the Epastals section as it is a more appropriate genre.
1 An ancient and venerable sage spoke unto the Pastaists of all the divisions, unto the Noodleists, and unto the Maranarists, the Fettucinians, the Pastafarians, and all of the great Pasta-based members of the Holy and Delicious Faith, and said:
2 It is my contention that a loving God of any kind would not Damn someone to Hell.
3 Darning them to Heck would be a problem for a supposedly intelligent creator.
4 Lakes of fire, boiling waters, sauces, etc, aren’t a good choice.
5 If you want to attract “justified” persons, portray just rewards and punishments. 6 If you want to attract lunatics and sadists, portray violent punishments.
7 There will be a kind of HellLight, where unbelievers have to live with school cafeteria spaghetti, second rate beer, and boring jobs in the service industries where the Heavenbound FSMists will be living. 8 There will be no privation, no physical torture, no burning or boiling in various liquids. 9 These aren’t bad people, these are people that followed the culture and customs of their times and did not recognize the difference between a culture and a faith.
10 Actual FSM Hell is reserved for a very few, and those will be divided from the Pasta, the finest beverages and the fellowship of persons of good will and kind intent. 11 They will do all the laundry, cleaning and heavy or unpleasant jobs that are there. 12 Never will they eat of the Pasta of any kind, but will live on lots of beans and rice, potatoes and extremely cheap cuts of meat, and the type of diet that the American urban poor can afford, or that Senior Citizens and disabled persons on Social Security are reduced to. 13 They get the really icky dirty work. 14 They deserve it. 15 The bullies of the geopolitical world will be there, and their helpers. 16 The false religious leaders, who plead for funds through electronic media, and give nothing of their true selves, and hoard the money and live in opulence, they will be there. 17 Many others of ill-intent will be with them.
18 There is a reservation there for the tricksters, the con-men, the Abramoff et al/Delay contingent, who will begin every work day by licking clean the footwear of every Native American person there, even in Hell Light. 19 Also there will be the promulgators of the horrible practices against the indigenous people of every country ever “modernized” by Western Civilization. 20 They lick boots as well. 21 And when they’re through they get to do all the stuff that nobody in the Hell above them want to do.
22 Not a real burning-in type hell, no boiling lakes of fire, just an appropriate ‘reward’. 23 No more lunatics and sadists, please. 24 The current administration’s quite enough.
25 Other people have other ideas, but then again other people are promoting Holy War, too. 26 Don’t do that in the name of our FSM. 27 That’s not the Way to Do Things Right.