The Book of Emergent Patterns
*By Roy Hunter and Ubi Dubium
1 The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is opposed to dogmatism and doctrine, but even the most lax of scholars can’t help but notice a few patterns emerging from the underlying chaos that is Pastafarianism. 2 Whilst rejecting dogmatism outright, I think it is possible to examine some of these emergent patterns without upsetting anyone enough to get the Pirates throwing rocks at you, so I intend to examine some of them. 3 Not doctrines, not dogma: emergent patterns. 4 If I may, I would like to describe the first pattern which emerged to me.
Chapter 2 – The Emergent Pattern of Fallibility.
1 It has been suggested that the FSM, our creator, is (and I quote) ‘a dumbass’. 2 Evidence suggests that he is indeed fallible: he created reality TV (it’s rubbish); Bangladesh (too close to sea level); fossil fuels (purely for pollution – forget the global warming myth); and Governor Schwarzenegger (what can I say..?). 3 So, whilst we would not claim that all of his creations are perfect, we can claim with a fairly high degree of certainty that many of them are fundamentally flawed.
4 The second law of thermodynamics states that “the entropy of an isolated system which is not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time”. 5 This law predicts the ultimate demise of the universe due to heat death: a little unfortunate for the immortal deity who has to live in said universe. 6 This situation (that an immortal deity would create a time-limited place to live) is not predictive of there being an infallible, omnipotent and omniscient deity: it is predictive of that deity being a bit of a moron on occasion.
7 Similarly, if we are to take the Good Book at face value (and I see no good reason not to), He created the firmament on the second day, then He got bit drunk at the beer volcano, and woke up all fuzzy-headed on the third day. 8 That was the day He made the land, forgetting that he had already made the firmament. 9 He then had to move the firmament somewhere else and call it heaven, and all of a sudden He’s created neighbours, which leads to fences, boundary disputes, lawsuits and the like. 10 Not the level of organisational competence you would like to see from someone landscaping your garden, let alone creating your world.
11 The fifth “I’d really rather you didn’t” actually seems quite a sensible suggestion from such an absent-minded deity: “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B******s”. 12 Unfortunately in the western world, society no longer has to spend so much of its time on survival-related activities and consequently has more time available to devote to bigotry, misogyny and hate. 13 As a result, devout Pastafarians need to spend a lot of time filling their stomachs before tackling the injustices of the world. 14 This has led to a bit of a global obesity problem. 15 Deity fail.
16 On the face of it, my argument seems a bit bleak: who is this Idiot that created our world? 17 Why should we favour Him over some Judeo-Arabic-Christian deity who at least looks like us? 18 Well, think about it: He’s screwed up the environment He has to live in; He gets drunk and makes big mistakes, which he then has to sort out; He is made of carbohydrates and red meat which we eat too much of and get fat and unhealthy.
19 Truly, we are made in His image.
1 I’d like to expand on a related topic. 2 In addition to being ‘a Dumbass’, His Noodly Goodness has consistently shown himself to be ‘a Wiseass’ as well. 3 Consider for a moment all those things about our universe that seem to exist for no better reason than that the Creator felt like pulling a practical joke on us. 4 Mosquitoes. Little yappy rat-dogs. Committee meetings. Quantum Mechanics. 5 All those fossil layers put there just to trick us. Zits. The Sun and Moon appear to be the same size, setting astronomy back for generations. 6 The most vulnerable part of the male anatomy is hanging right out in front in harm’s way. The food that you like will kill you, and the food your doctor wants you to eat tastes like sticks and bark. 7 Heck, the FSM (pesto be upon him) even allows fully grown humans to believe that they can eat “magic crackers” or wear “magic underwear”. 8 He’s got to be hovering invisibly overhead, laughing his meatballs off at us!
9 More evidence of His Smart-aleckiness has got to be His interference in any and all scientific experiments. 10 Any inconclusive experimental data is the direct result of the Touch of His Noodly Appendage. 11 If we design an experiment to detect His interference, we can only have a conclusive result by having an inconclusive result! 12 His sense of humor is readily apparent, and is also really lame and juvenile.
13 It has become quite evident that the universe is indeed out to get us, and to have a good laugh at our expense.
14 So, to follow Roy, I will have to find a name for this. I will call it
15 The Emergent Pattern of “Gotcha!”