The Book of Solipsy
1 For much time did I rest upon my bed in state of revelry and fever, for cold viruses are annoying, and His Holy Cough Medicines do occasionally keep me from sleeping. 2 As I pondered His general tastiness, I thought that perhaps it would be his Holy Meal which would return to me my appetite. 3 Thus, did I prepare The Meal, but of it I could not eat. 4 Instead, I sat and stared into the mass which doth so perfectly represent His Form. 5 How long I sat, I know not, but what filled me were Holy Visions of His Wisdom, and His blessed hopes for the happiness of our lives as His creations and amidst His creations. 6 What follows are the True and Holy Words I was blessed to hear:
7 Thus He Spake:
8 Begrudge not unto anyone the chosen spirituality that is helpful to them, should it
be functional within the real world. 9 My Words shall remind My Creations that, as has been said, there are few atheists on crashing airplanes. 10 Thy life is precious. 11 Desire that yourself and each among you shall have life as long and fun as possible. 12 Hurt no one intentionally, if it can be helped. 13 Be not thou limited by some set of dysfunctional rules in a book that didn’t even work 2000 years ago. 14 (Hence all the smiting, crucifying, and such that the book contains.) 15 Update thy thinking to meet with circumstances as they exist around thee. 16 There shall be no shame in it among the intelligent, sayeth I, Who Flies and Is the One True Monster of Steaming Spaghetti.
17 If ye possess any sense at all, it is already known unto you that killing is wrong, stealing is bad, and cheating on ones’ espoused love does hurt that person deeply. 18 If ye do these things, ye know it is bad, and should suffer great shame, and should be held accountable. 19 Ye already know this unless ye be dumb as the stone of which is made the mountain. 20 If that is what thee wish to claim, even that shall not be thy defense, though it certainly be true. 21 Thus say I, Whose Appendages Be Noodly and Do Touch.
22 Be good to thine parents should they deserve it, if they did as best they could for you, providing you what they were able and what their resources would allow. 23 Desert them not if in their times of need, and return their kindness, for they are like you, My Creations. 24 If they have beaten you or otherwise been horrible, abusive, interfering jerks who do things to make you miserable, I approve that you may move across the country and out of their presence, and be not even obligated to send them birthday cards. 25 You need only honor them to the degree to which they deserve it, but to that degree you MUST honor them. 26 Should you fail in this, my Noodly Displeasure shall you incur, and you shall be held most shallow and selfish, and shame shall be upon you, say I, Your Tasty and Cheese-Topped One.
27 As for lies, to tell large or illegal falsehoods is most sinful, and those among you with sense already know that. 28 To boast or brag of that which one has not done is most idiotic, and the product of insecurity and childishness. 29 Often the male compelled to tell the boastful lies is the possessor of small intimate parts. 30 If the accursed liar be female, often she is an attention-seeking twit, and you need not abide her company, declare I, Your Extruded and Basil-Garnished One.
31 Small lies, however, maketh the world to turn upon its axis. 32 If ye be dense, I shall clarify: Should ye be asked, for instance, if thine spouses’ clothing makes such spouse look fat, ye are to respond with effusive praise of thy loved one’s attractiveness and lack of heft, true or not. 33 If thine neighbor should inquire if a gift of cookies were tasty, ye shall reply yea, verily they were most delicious, even though they may have disgusted thee, and ye may have thrown them down the garbage disposer. 34 Should thy aged Grandmother inquire if the Sunday potroast was pleasing, thou shalt not reply that it was tough and flavorless, though it were. 35 No! 36 Thou shalt reply that it was a beefy roast unto heaven. 37 Should thy co-worker present thee with a picture of her niece, thou shalt not cry out in horror at the ugliness of the child, for to do so would be rude. 38 Rather, thou must say, verily, what a darling! 39 Art thou catching on, or art thou thick-skulled and dim-witted, ask I, Your Rounded Meaty and Sauced One.
40 As for five other “commandments” with which ye may have familiarity, do as ye will, sayeth the FSM. 41 If some other spirit or power shall catch thy fancy and be of use to thee in time of need, go for it, say I, Your Wise One. 42 Use that spirit not to condemn others, however, for that is among the only times I shall feel compelled to rain down molten sauce upon thee. 43 The Flying Spaghetti Monster will abide no condemnation of His Creatures. 44 If some spirit shall claim that it alone is the one true spirit, and all others will lead to the path of condemnation, then thou shall be mightily suspicious that such a spirit is full of deceit, and THAT spirit is the path of great unhappiness and condemnation. 45 Beware, warn I, of the Semolina and the Tomato.
46 If ye are compelled to draw a picture or sculpt a likeness of that which exists in creation, why on earth is that a bad idea, asks the FSM. 47 To forbid it would be gobbledygook. 48 If thou should like thy neighbor’s car better than thine own, and wish to have one as nice, wherein lies the harm? 49 Again, why waste time calling this sin, ask I, Your Noodly and Appendaged One.
50 If ye shall forget occasionally which day of the week it is because thy schedule is overbooked or thou art ill or on vacation, pick some other day to have a Holy Meal of My Offering. 51 Kick back and drink a brewsky. 52 Watch a movie. 53 Relax. 54 I will smite the not for such a silly thing on few occasions. 55 Should thou stub one’s toe mightily upon a rock, or lose one’s wallet or car keys, or find oneself in some other moment in which thou finds it helpful or humorous to cry out HOLY FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, or FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER DAMN IT!!!!, fear not, for I find it kind of funny, and also funny that it shall cause those around thee to look upon thee as if thou art marginally insane. 56 Shout away, say I, Your Glutinous and Whimsically Shaped Lord.
57 That, my True Believers, is the easy stuff. 58 As my Pastafarians, whom I have gathered together and have touched with mine Noodly Appendages, I call upon thee to go beyond ten rules, five of which are blatantly obvious and five of which are stupid. 59 When thou see people in need – those who have less than thee, those who are ill, those who are young, old, helpless in any way – help them in any way you are able. 60 Even if you are of meager means, share what you have, for that is where many another religion fails. 61 Do better and be examples, instruct I, Your Wiggly Creator of All that is Taught as Science.
62 I, an Invisible Giant Floating Glob of Sauce-Covered Noodles and Round Meat, have no need for your money or resources, BUT, your fellow humans do. 63 I appreciate your love and praise and such, but lots of people right around your immediate vicinity need your love and worldy resouces a whole lot more. 64 Don’t be so idiotic as to throw your money at people who live in mansions and beseech thee for thy cash, and speak as if endowed with authority from other giant, invisible thingees. 65 Come on, people. 66 Wise up, say I, Your Holy Boiled Grain-Based Nutritious One.
67 If ye have been blessed with great resources, such as to have been born with a silver spoon in your mouth, ye are to remember that it is not thine spit which hath coated that spoon with silver. 68 Thou should be especially grateful for thy blessings, and especially giving of thy resources. 69 Ye will not be taking it with you into the Stripper Factory, nor need it at the Beer Volcano. 70 Money is only good for the good it can do the living. 71 Quit being so greedy, for greed is vile unto me and unto your fellow Creations, say I, Your Well-Seasoned Al dente One.
72 Be active in your government, and stand against those things which are unfair and make no sense. 73 Be civil in your disagreements for they shall always be with thee, and rational in your debates, for ye shall always have them. 74 Do you really need a Giant Glob of Noodles, Sauce, and Meat to tell you this? 75 Do you really need to drink the transubstantiated blood of some historical personage to make you feel superior? 76 The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a little freaked out by that, frankly. 77 Get a grip, instruct I, Your Wise and Floating Saucy Monster.
78 Ye have been born, ye are alive, and ye shall die. 79 It’s the “ye are alive” part that should concern ye most at the moment. 80 Yes, the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory of Heaven await thee, and are currently under construction, but ye shall not be so gullible as to count on what ye as yet have no evidence to support. 81 Well, that is how I wish ye would think, anyway. 82 But, since ye apparently aren’t quite there yet, if Intelligent Design is to be considered Science, then since every word of My Great Creation of the Universe is True, it shall thusly be considered Science, and thusly taught as well. 83 Proclaim I, Your Wondrous Glob in Heaven.
84 And finally, when bad things doth befall ye as they will, ye are constantly carping “why me, what did I do to deserve it, why, why, why???” 85 My Noodlyness heareth not ye bother to ask such when good things doth befall ye. 86 Yet, the question is just as valid, and the answer is the same. 87 Ponder that as ye partake of mine holy meal.
88 And then did I return from my fevered revelry, to find my flattened butt still in my kitchen chair, with a cold plate of His Holy Meal in front of me, and a paper inscribed with his inspired words, and a ball-point pen run out of ink. 89 I rushed to my microwave and reheated my meal, for it was a miracle! 90 My appetite had returned, and I did eat, and praise Him, and return to my bed and fall to a deep slumber. 91 In the morning, I re-read His Holy Words, and did check them for typos and misspellings. 92 Truly, I am humbled. 93 Truly, by His Wisdom, we are blessed! 94 All Praise the Flying Spaghetti Monster.