Pirates’ Effects on Global Warming.
By Roderick Alan King; Professional Physics Major of the Inaugural Class of the Rutgers University School of Arts and Sciences, Founder and 2012 candidate of the American Monarchial Party, Co-Founder and Pursar of the Rutgers Pastafarians.
1 Global Warming is indeed in agreement with the diminishing number of pirates. 2 There have been some arguments, however, that this is not a scientific claim. 3 However, His Noodliness may be simply not helping fix the damaging we caused by giving up our piratical practices. 4 There may be a scientifically based reason for global warming. 5 He may have set it as penance for us to redo the pirates’ global cooling. 6 Some actual scientific ways for this piratical cooling have been proposed, such as the stirring of waters by non-heat engine ships allowing absorption of heat from the atmosphere. 7 However, people do not agree with this being testable or even plausible due to the sheer size of the earth. 8 In addition, Thermal Physics is a class everyone fails and there is no effective model for treating the entire earth. 9 It cannot even be considered a gas! 10 However, simpler concepts we understand very well: Conservation of momentum, conservation of energy, et cetera. 11 This can make an interesting thought experiment for us.
12 We know the solar intensity that hits earth is roughly one kilowatt per square meter. 13 This can add up to a lot of energy, but negligible momentum. 14 Light is, after all, light. 15 So this often manifests itself as either plant energy, or simply warming things up. 16 Models of the Earth as a non-ideal blackbody, with an appropriate emissivity, account for this well. 17 Many scientists have clamed that carbon has adjusted our emissivity, thus causing the sweet spot of blackbody output to solar intensity input to de-equalize. 18 The more energy coming in means we are going to have to increase temperature to radiate it out. 19 But we have not looked into other sources affecting this balance- Intensity increase. 20 We know, perhaps, the sun is roughly stable. 21 But what if the Earth is not? 22 We may have an unstable orbit, pulling us in closer to the sun every day. 23 Forces will kill us all, as this seems to agree with scientists’ notion that we will need to find new planets to colonize ere the sun swallows us. 24 With a closer separation, Earth would present a surface able to catch more solar rays. 25 While this may be exciting for cosmic ray and neutrino physicists, we must note that the more solar energy striking defines more intensity to the earth- and thus, a higher temperature.
26 But how would pirates have caused the correction of this energy- conservation catastrophe? 27 We must hearken to another fundamental physics concept- the conservation of momentum, as expressed under Sir Isaac Newton’s Third Law. 28 For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction force. 29 What this can do is something to push us away from the sun, and counteract the slight gravitational imbalance. 30 Now, let us consider how pirates are depicted- they may plunder shores at night, or ghost ships may sail in such dark hours, but we know pirates often sail in the day. 31 After all, that is how they are seen in movies and video games. 32 Furthermore, they are only depicted in the central Atlantic and Caribbean- one side of the earth, close to the middle. 33 Now, here is an interesting notion: In the morning, the boats are tied up at the dock. 34 The sky is of course, roughly, facing the sun. 35 To leave and start the day, the boats are untied and let drop into the water. 36 So the water pushes them up, and keeps them afloat. 37 But wait! 38 A reaction force is also taking place. 39 The boat pushes the water down, sending it towards the bottom of the ocean. 40 This means a slight pulse will hit the sea floor for each ship off to collect booty. 41 This same push down on the water also will occur with cannons aimed up, and other seemingly trivial acts. 42 However, these can all add up to a macroscopic push on the earth- still tiny relative to the Earth’s mass, but not so insignificant. 43 Now, as shown by our knowledge of piratical history, these pushes will be on only one side of the earth, during the day. 44 Since they shall be down, this will be away from the sun. 45 So all in all, this slight push can be a slight counteraction to our instable orbit. 46 It seems to have had a history of exactly cancelling out our planet’s falling into our sun. 47 So, pirates would have kept us at this same orbit and kept the same solar intensity striking. 48 But now, the radius slowly shrinking will continue the terrors of global warming and eventually end with the sun swallowing up the earth. 49 We must exercise immediate action towards recreating these piratical practices, and save our planet. 50 Besides, it will be fun for all!