The Revelations of Auntie Dee Dee

chapter I

1My older little brother doesn’t have a soul. 2I’ve been saying that since the 1970′s… 3It’s an American conceit, 4based on the idea that the meat served with pasta could be more fairly divided among the diners. 5The meatballs are in a pan of sauce to the side of the main pasta and sauce, and added last. 6All on one plate, but NOT all in the same pot; added to the side. 7At that point, (after the 30 minutes) the interior temp should be about 165-170.

8What am I saying? 9My dogs don’t play nicely with each other!! 10Judeo-Christian never entered into it, 11most of them would have been insulted by the suggestion. 12Copy it somehow, or make your own. 13Pay your workers what they’re worth. 14Not the minimum you can pay, but a freaking living wage. 15In the 60′s, idealists would say “come the revolution”. 16Too much more of this crap, and it may not be a joke. 17I heard someone say somewhere that God is omniscient, but chooses to be ignorant. 18The rest of it is “All Others Pay Cash”. 19All systems have finite resources.

20All things pineapple are wonderful. 21My brother’s soul for example 22(I bet him in poker once too much, so now it’s officially mine…23god, that must have been thirty years ago). 24The teeth wouldn’t bother me. 25I’ve never heard of a truly original sin, and I know most of the verses of the Hedgehog Song 26AND A Wizard’s Staff has a Knob on the End. 27Bassoons are pretty necessary. 28Hey, as long as you get to eat the Holy Meal, the form of the meat isn’t that big a deal. 29(New toys!! Hee!)

30And I want luggage made of sapient pearwood. 31No, I NEED luggage made of sapient pearwood. 32Ah, well, maybe down a different split in the Trousers of Time. 33I think my hard drive was wired in wrong, 34and my RAM is dysfunctional. 35Once installed it never goes away completely, 36and it’s too easily hacked, with a self-replicating virus that trashes the whole system. 37Profits do NOT drive innovation. 38Government grants and university research drives innovation.

39You see, I didn’t pay attention in science class, 40and I’m afraid the stupid will rub off on me. I can see the concept growing as you work on it. 41If making judgments based on very incomplete information is what you choose to do, 42that’s your business. 43Going all huffy with me doesn’t prove a thing. 44The full story was not given. 45The choice of the mother was not discussed, 46the information presented, was, in fact, incomplete. 47You would omit the school Board persons of indiscriminant gender?

48I want the shower curtain and the Pirate Devil Duckies. 49Auntie Dee Dee hates lazy kitchen people. 50Let’s see. 51ID in history. 52Ballet in science class. 53Spanish in math class. 54Flower arranging in English. 55Basketball in home ec. 56Public speaking in botany. 57History in music. 58Math during gym. 59That should cover it. 60Put down the crayons and go to your room. 61There is lip service to democracy, but lip service only. 62More when I quit throwing up.

chapter II

1The overuse of punctuation was being discussed among the Faithful, 2And Auntie Dee Dee said unto one who chided her for use of “!!’s” on a regular basis:

3HA!! I’m the Admin, and I know where we keep the extra punctuation!!

4So there!!!~!!!

5I bought a box of “!!”’s on sale, so I’m being very generous with them.)

6Cerberus, being young and inquisitive, then inquired (as inquisitive people do):

7How much for each “!” is it? 8Can you buy other punctuation? 9And can you buy bulk cause I don’t want to get halfway through the post and realize 10that I’ve used all my commas. 11That could make things bad. 12REAL bad.

13And Auntie Dee Dee said unto Cerberus

14The bulk punctuation is in the Moderator’s Klubhowse, 15behind the couch with the hole in the cushion, 16NOT the couch with the spring that bites yer butt. 17I’ve hidden it in a Twinkies box, 18and the case of “!!”’s is in the corner with a towel over it, 19doubling as a table. 20It’s a BIG case of “!!”’s.

21I have a line on a case of “,” and “’” that they’ve quit using in some forums. 22I’m going to trade them all the “u”’s that the Bushista’s don’t use anymore when they use the word buffoon. 23Someone in their talking points misspelled it bafoon, and now they all do it. 24(Sad, but true. That’s exactly what happened. 25One little ‘Republiclone’ got it wrong, and there they went like the sheeple they’ve turned into.)

26So, we’re good on “.” and : and “;” and the “?” box is almost 3/4 full as well.

27If you see a shortage in any punctuation, let me know. Mr. Green

28And kao, and then Sylvie replied thusly

29kao, saying: I’m offended that you keep perfectly good punctuation stashed away in boxes and under towels fsm angry 30Why not release them from their captivity and allow them to become part of something larger then themselves?

31It’s days like this in which I am glad to not be a punctuation mark.

32And Sylvie replying: As the Bible clearly points out, man has dominion over punctuation, 33and it is to be used as man sees fit. 34Of course we have a responsibility to the plain dumb punctuation mark as well, 35but it cannot become part of anything larger than itself 36because punctuation has no culture or civilization of its own.

37And Auntie Dee Dee Spaketh Unto Them all and said:

38If I release the punctuation, it’ll just throw itself all over the forums willy-nilly. 39I’m offended that you’d want all that perfectly good pun!!ctuation 40to wander lost until it found a place to cling to, 41even if it be!came total!ly irratio()()al in where it went>>>>*. 42Now some of it, wh^^^^ich was restin%%g nicely:;:has gott@@@@@@@@en loose and st!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!arted running aroun——–d in this mes$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$age. 43Most of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is spare o*****************dd pun##tuation 44that sta%%%%ys with the huge b!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ox of !!s, not the co{{{mmas and p]]]]]eri&&&ods, 45but the more es~~~~~ote““““ric stuff++++++.

46Punct!!uation, left to it”"s self<><><> will wander around like \\\a lo!!!st ch^&$ild. 47I’m giving it mo**re attenti%%on than usual, bec##ause the f!!orum!!!!s are gro!!ing so&^ fast. 48It want”’s to be use!!!!d, and will st”art putting it”””””””””s self anywhere unless&&& you fo!!!llow the in$$&(structi!!!ons… 49(Now the periods are getting jealous. I’m so glad punctuation won’t go into parentheses unless it’s put there.)

50OK, I stopped and rounded that stuff up. 51Most!!!! of it is back in the boxes. 52When the new shipmen!!!!ts come today, it’ll refill the bins. 53Last night, with only the tiny bit we had left, I just gave a MOD some info about the spares!!!!. 54(I’m going to go after those !!’s with a flyswatter if they don’t GET BACK IN THEIR BOX!!) 55Nosy Parkers…hmmmmph!

56That’s better. 57We’ve had to add these huge bins to the Klubhowse for the punctuation usage around here, 58and it was so low last night, I gave C-man the directions to the spares. 59Bobby’s given us an open account at the punctuation store, 60and I’m trying to cut deals for all the extras I can on the grey market. 61(It’s real punctuation, just getting piled up for some reason, so I get a good buy on it.) 62Every penny helps, especially with the cost of Pixels going up again.

63If we went to Auto-Refill our punctuation levels would be even more precarious than they are. 64I monitor it 3 times a day, and keep a good supply on hand without overloading the bins. 65(It gets jammed together and turns surly if there’s not enough room.) 66They deliver 5 1/2 days a week, 67so the early Saturday call for topping off the bins is key to having enough punctuation for the weekend. 68The extras from unused stock are a bonus, you know. 69Not every Admin keeps enough on hand, 70so lots of people have stopped using it.

71That being said, there’s a guy from a motorcycle forum that’s wanting to trade apostrophes, colons and semi-colons 72for random strings of ‘curse word’ punctuation and “####”’s. 73Since the language usage here isn’t on the level to use many of the random strings, we have plenty to spare. 74And I never put anything in the word filter, so the “####” level is very high.

75I’m offended that someone would question my punctuation policies 76without considering the ramifications of all that punctuation running loose. 77NOBODY has ever run out of punctuation here, 78and they never will. 79Just don’t abuse the system, 80and the punctuation is deliriously happy. 81The “{}”’s and “[]” were giggling about how nice it was here last night. 82Bless their hearts, they’d been dumped into a bin with a lot of esoteric mathematical notation at the MIT site, 83and the guy there hadn’t snapped to the concept that MIT folks on a non-academic forum actually spend most of their time giving porn links. 84I bought the lot, and then sold most of the esoteric math stuff to Texas A&M. 85ALL of it is much happier.

86Setting punctuation free is like trying to convince a House Elf to not serve. 87They’re bred to do one thing, and they don’t deal well without strict proper usage. 88That, and providing them comfortable places near one another, is the kindest way to deal with them. 89They’re not an evolved species, and probably never will be.

90Thus endeth the Lesson on Punctuation.

91Praise be To His Noodly Name!!