Frequently Asked Questions
*As transcribed by Alpaca and Qwertyuiopasd
1 Ages ago, there was a young, inquisitive pirate who was called Frequently. He had a tendency to ask a lot of questions
2 One day, his mates told him of the glory that was the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
3 Wanting to know more, Frequently sought out the wise and learned Dalai Llama, who was in fact an alpaca, and Frequently Asked Questions.
4 Frequently Asked: “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny to say that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has spoken to me, come to me in a dream, I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and demand that you follow my ignorant, unsubstantiated schism or else be wrong?”
5 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “No.”
6 Frequently Asked: “Hey, I see that you disagree with the teaching of intelligent design in school. 7 Does this mean I can assume that you also abhor Christianity? 8 Does this mean that we share every single remotely religious or moral belief? 9 Does this mean that I can be an intolerant jackass, because everybody has to agree with me?”
10 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “No. 11 Pastafarianism is intended to protest attempts to include religion in science curriculum. 12 We are in no way against religion itself, and we do not appreciate being portrayed as such by radical people who consider this the perfect vehicle to spread their inane doctrines.”
13 Frequently Asked: Are you ever not going to answer “no?”
14 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Maybe.”
15 Frequently Asked: “What’s the Pastafarian position on some political issue not related to intelligent design?”
16 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “I have absolutely no idea. 17 But we can discuss it intelligently.”
18 Frequently Asked: “Are you people for real?”
19 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Yes. We’re real people.”
20 Frequently Asked: “Seriously.”
21 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Yes. 22 We all fervently believe that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster, who designed it to appear older than it really was, and make it look like it worked in ways similar to logical conjectures made on overwhelming observable evidence, but actually wasn’t, and actually didn’t, because He ultimately controls it all with His Noodly Appendage!”
23 Frequently Asked: “Really?”
24 And the Dalai Llama produced audible ellipses.
25 Frequently Asked: “Okay, I get it. 26 So why a Spaghetti Monster?”
27 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Why not? 28 Has better ring to it than “bearded white guy.” 29 Besides, ask Bobby. 30 It was his revelation.”
31 Frequently Asked: “You guys know you’re going to Hell, right?”
32And the Dalai Llama Answered: “That’s your opinion. 33 We try to be tolerant of your opinions, so could you at least try to tolerate ours?”
34 Frequently Asked: “Speaking of Hell, what’s that like? 35 I know that Heaven has a stripper factory and a beer volcano, but is there anything else?”
36 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “If you’re a true believer in whatever faith you’re a part of, and you’ve done what’s expected of you, then that’s the Afterlife you get. 37 The Flying Spaghetti Monster has no territorial disputes with anybody else. 38 If you’re not going there, we’ll take you, and it may not be fun, but it beats the hell (haha! hell!) outta Lakes of Fire.
39 “There will be a kind of HellLight, where unbelievers have to live with school cafeteria spaghetti, second rate beer, and boring jobs in the service industries where the Heavenbound Pastafarians will be living. 40 There will be no privation, no physical torture, no burning or boiling in various liquids. 41 These aren’t bad people, these are people that followed the culture and customs of their times and did not recognize the difference between a culture and a faith. 42 And this HellLight will include a just and equitable redemption process.
43 “Actual Pastafarian Hell is reserved for a very few, and those will be divided from the Pasta, the finest beverages and the fellowship of persons of good will and kind intent. 44 They will do all the laundry, cleaning and heavy or unpleasant jobs that are there. 45 Never will they eat of the Pasta of any kind, but will live on lots of beans and rice, potatoes and extremely cheap cuts of meat, and the type of diet that the American urban poor can afford, or that Senior Citizens and disabled persons on Social Security are reduced to. 46 They get the really icky dirty work. 47 They deserve it. 48 The bullies of the geopolitical world will be there, and their helpers. 49 The false religious leaders, who plead for funds through electronic media, and give nothing of their true selves, and hoard the money and live in opulence, they will be there. 50 Many others of ill-intent will be with them.
51 “There is a reservation there for the tricksters, the con-men, the corrupt, unrepentant politicians, who will begin every work day by licking clean the footwear of every Native American person there, even in HellLight. 52 Also there will be the promulgators of the horrible practices against the indigenous people of every country ever “modernized” by Western Civilization. 53 They lick boots as well. 54 And when they’re through they get to do all the stuff that nobody in the Hell above them want to do.
55 “Not a real burning-in type hell, no boiling lakes of fire, just an appropriate “reward.” 56 No more lunatics and sadists, please.
57 “Other people have other ideas, but then again other people are promoting Holy War, too. 58 Don’t do that in the name of our FSM. 59 That’s not the Way to Do Things Right.
60 Then again, we could be completely wrong.”
61 Frequently Asked: “Oooh, What about the Pastafarian equivalent of such-and-such element of such-and-such religion that you didn’t cover above?”
62 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “We’re not trying to completely copy and twist everything about religion. 63 We don’t take issue with religion; we take issue with it being taught as science.”
64 Frequently Asked: “Well, one aspect of other religions you do have is a god. 65 Who happens to be made of pasta. 66 Isn’t it sorta wrong to eat what He’s made of?”
67 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Eat some of this bread instead, and wash it down with this wine, then.”
68 Frequently Asked: “What?”
69 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not pasta, but a deity who chooses to represent Himself as pasta. 70 If you like Pasta, go ahead and eat some. 71 He doesn’t mind, because the Sharing of the Pasta is a form of worship. 72 Especially the sharing part. 73 Transubstantiation is not part of Pastafarian doctrine. 74 That means when you eat Pasta, you aren’t eating Him, but eating Pasta.”
75 Frequently Asked: “So, I’d love to eat pasta, but I have some sort of medical condition/diet/personal preference that prevents me from doing so. 76 What do I do?”
77 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “His Noodly Majesty is, above all, tolerant. 78 Be a good person, and you’ll be fine, eating Pasta or not.”
79 Frequently Asked: “What if I don’t have a set of pirate regalia? 80 What if I don’t drink beer? 81 What if I think strippers are immoral?”
82 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Tolerance. 83 You’ll be okay.”
84 Frequently Asked: “Speaking of pirates, did you know about Talk Like a Pirate day?”
85 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Yes.”
86 Frequently Asked: “Speaking of beer, what kind of beer is in the volcano? 87 What if it’s not my favorite? 88 What are the strippers like? 89 What if I’m a woman and want a man? 90 What if I’m looking for a relationship, not just short-term fun? 91 What if…”
92 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “He is omniscient and omnipotent. 93 You’ll be well taken care of in Heaven, in a way that will suit your wants and needs exactly.”
94 Frequently Asked: “Cool, I get it! 95 By the way, what’s the best way to be sarcastic and condescending to those who I think are idiots? 96 What about all those people who don’t subscribe to whatever specific religious or other philosophy I might have? 97 They really need to learn that the universe revolves around me.”
98 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “No, you don’t get it. 99 Tolerance.”
100 Frequently Asked: “Okay, so I do get it. 101 How long has this been around, anyway?”
102 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “His Noodly Majesty has been around since the beginning of the universe, which he created. 103 If you’re asking when He revealed Himself to Bobby Henderson, you’re asking about May 2005 CE.”
104 Frequently Asked: “And how many Pastafarians are there?”
105 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Millions, scattered around the planet.”
106 Frequently Asked: “Really? 107 Wow!”
108 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Actually, we have no clue.”
109 Frequently Asked: “Oh, either way, add 1 to that number, because I’m in! 110 Now, what can I do to help?”
111 And the Dalai Llama Answered: “Spread His Word among your peers! 112 Or, if you’re feeling philanthropic, help needy people.”
113 And Frequently left the presence of the Dalai Llama who was in fact an alpaca, and lived the rest of his life a wonderful and loving Pastafarian, if not persistently inquisitive.