Ethical Guidelines for Pirates
Chapter 1 Beard Law
*As transcribed by Captin Redbeard Scurvydog
1. All good pirates owe a duty to Him to have the shaggest and most unkept of beards. However, this duty is not binding, for He, in His infinite wisdom, caused some to be unable to fulfill such a duty in several manner of ways; but yea, I say unto thee, those of the utmost pirate grit will be looked upon with the highest favor by Him for all thine days, and thine cup shall overrun with His most choosen and blessed of pasta.
2. On Holy Friday, all good pirates, owe a duty to display their unkept and shaggy beards in the public squares, and marketplaces, and all manner of buffet style restaurants, and dwelling places in which ferminted drink is served with vigor, and unto thine strippers, for they truly are of His essence and beloved by Him. By doing this, His glory is displayed to all, the believer and the non-believer, the principal and the agent, the cobbler of shoes and the huntsmen of the field.
3. I say unto you, all good pirates owe a duty unto Him to not remove any manner of debris from thine unkept beard, for yee shall not look upon such debris as a burden, but a blessing from His bounty bestowed unto you from Him for His greater glory. And it is the greatest blessing from on high, to have the wonderous fruit of His wonderful noodly appendage, the most savory, most tantalizing, sacred pasta to become so embedded in thine pirate beard. And he that turns his back on such a blessing and scoffs the gift given unto them, bestowed from Him, then I say unto them, it would be better to have never been bearded, for unless there exists unto them, good cause, for such disrespect for His bounty, it will as if they were cutoff from His goodness and set adrift on the high seas.
4. And it became revealed unto me, through His divine, magical, delicious, plan, that all good pirates, in the course of their duty, owe a duty unto Him, when, on Holy Friday, they are in the public squares, and marketplaces, and all manner of buffet style restaurants, and dwelling places in which ferminted drink is served with vigor, to bestow unto thine most favored winch, a kiss for all those present to see, for, when yee do this, it is a proclimation of His glory.
5. No good pirate should brandish thine cutlass, or thine hook, or thine peg, nor any manner of implimentation bestowed unto him by Him, nor act in such a way with malice aforethought to thine fellow creatures, which are all part of His magical, delicious, plan, for, in so doing, thine treat thine fellow creatures contrary to His magical, delicious, plan; unless yee be acting to prevent some greater evil that is exceedingly hostile to His plan, or, if the consumption of strong drink has rendered yee unaccountable unto Him for thine acts and thou hast felt the greatest of sorrow for thine transgressions against Him.