A Pasta’s Creed as passed to Solipsy
1 The True Believers did grow in number and in rank, and there was word spread that a great accounting should take place; a census should be taken and in that census should be counted all the men and the males among them, and all the women, and the females among them, and the children and the girls and the boys, and the infants. 2 And the leaders spoke up among the True Believers and declared that the numbers of the accounting of the census seemed to make sense not, for there was no accounting of the persons with indeterminate gender, and also of the persons who felt themselves to be gender mis-identified, and also, to count the children, then re-count the boy children and the girl children separately seemed to nearly double the numbers, not accounting for the gender non-specific.
3 And thus the Great Accounting of the True Believers did begin again, and this time was it done by sorting the males and the females and the children and the gender non-specific, and the numbers were tallied and the numbers and ranks of the True Believers seemed to be relatively accurate and the land did feast upon the Holy Meal of the Pasta and Sauce and Orbs made of whatever Protein was the True Believers’ Choice, and the Green Salad was dressed and served and The Tasty Garlic Bread passed. 4 The desired beverages were quaffed and there was great fellowship among the counted of the number and the rank of the True Believers. 5 Afterward, when the plates of the cleaned were gathered, the sweetened desserts of chocolate, dark or milk or white, or not of chocolate at all, but rather simply desserts as the True Believers did prefer, were passed.
6 And the True Believers gave great thanks and worship unto the Wise and Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster; the men and the women among them did rejoice, and the children, both the male children and the female, and the infants did rejoice, and the gender non-specific. 7 All rejoiced and gloried in the Wisdom and Greatness of the One True Creator who made All That Is and Should Be Taught as Science. 8 Each and all among the number and the rank were sated; their hunger was sated and their thirst was quenched, and they were glad and tired. 9 For their numbers had been counted with relative accuracy and among them were many; 6354 were the men and 7364 were the women and 25366 were the children and 3907 were the gender non-specific regardless of age. 10 And they did look upon one another, and finally it was asked: What was the point of all that, then? 11 And came the answer from On High: “I’m not quite sure, but it was one heck of a party!”
12 At the rising of the sun the next morning, as the True Believers did awaken, the men among them did arise, and the women and the children and the gender non-specific did arise, a great non-threatening yet thundering voice did call down from On High: “My Children Whom I Have Touched, Who Are Caressed By My Noodly Appendage, it is My wish for you that you live long and happily, and should have great good fun and gain much knowledge and use the brain I have given you and the free will I have given you and the discount shopping coupons and library cards I have given you.” 13 And then a great sigh did rumble throughout the Earth and throughout the Sky and throughout all Creation. 14 “But,” continued the Wiggly Lord, “I figure I ought to include for you a few specifics in case of emergency.”
15 The holy scribes did run for their hammers and their chisels and their tablets of stone, and began to hammer furiously away in the ancient languages of the day. 16 They did endeavor to catch all the words of the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster as accurately as possible, and with few mistakes, for they wanted to please him, and make him happy. 17 They wanted not to incur His Wrath. 18 They did hammer and did pound and the chips of granite did collect at their feet and this transcribing they tried to do with much accuracy, for there was not, in those olden times of stone tablets, spell-check nor auto correct nor copy-paste. 19 They did live in dark times indeed, and hungered for the wisdom of the Holy Flying Pasta One. 20 Thusly they wrote, for this he spake:
21 And it shall be that no eating of boogers shall occur in the market place, the classroom, the gas station, the fast-food restaurant, or the car while sitting at a red light, or in any other place. 22 This is His Noodly Word, and for to break it, the offender shall sacrifice three slices of mushroom pizza upside down upon the altar of the offender’s own coffee table. 23 There those slices shall remain until such time as do appear small gnats. 24 Then and only then is the offender considered cleansed of his booger-sin, and may dispose of the mushroomed slices, and shall sin no more.
25 His Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster shall not tolerate the owning of more than seven stuffed animals by a heterosexual man over the age of 25. 26 If such a man is found to be in possession of said offensive beasts, the beasts will be taken by the True Believers, and they shall be ritually sacrificed upon the garbage heap after much dismemberment. 27 The man shall then be taunted for a time not to exceed two minutes. 28 Then shall he hop on one foot for a full minute and be considered forgiven. 29 This sayeth our Lord and Noodle. 30 Should his girlfriend be the presenter of the beasts, she should be sternly told to grow up, and instructed by the elder males among the True Believers about appropriate gifts for boyfriends, for yea and verily, she is freakin’ clueless. 31 If the gifter be his Mother, it shall be explained to her that she is now the parent of a grown man, and ought consider gifts of cash instead. 32 Thus instructs The Wise and Meatbally.
33 The scratching of the most private parts or retrieval of the undergarments from the depths of the nether-regions shall be reserved for times when the True Believer has excused him/herself from the company of others, or such time as the True Believer wears the uniform of the team of a professional baseball player, and is on national television. 34 For the breaking of this sacred law, the penalty shall be that all those True Believers present and in observance shall loudly proclaim “Dude, quit scratching your (insert chosen offensive slang word here)” while pointing at the unholy offender. 35 Equally shall this be done to all scratchers, disregarding genders. 36 In penance, the Disgraced True Believer must cover his face with both hands and excuse him/herself to the nearest restroom to wash up like a civilized person. 37 Then and only then shall the loving Noodles of the Holy One embrace him/her again.
38 The eating of pets, the True Believer shall not do, for verily and with most seriousness shall it be held an abomination. 39 Thou shall not eat of the hamster nor the gerbil, nor any other denizen of the Habitrail, neither of the cat nor its kittens, the dog nor its pups. 40 Neither shall thou partake of the flesh of the parakeet nor the iguana nor the goldfish nor any fish of the tank or decorative pond, for it is an abomination unto his Holy Jiggling Appendages. 41 Neither shall thee roast the flesh of pets from the store nor shelter, whether cuddly or annoying, for verily it is an abomination unto the Spaghetti Lord, and also of great repulsion to the sane.
42 Also it shall be held a deep abomination to partake of the flesh of the pets of thy neighbors, even if such pets do bark long and mightily throughout the night, disturbing the rest of the True Believer. 43 Even if the pets of thy neighbors dig in thy yard and garden, or otherwise behave in ways which shall peeve thee, of them thou shall not eat. 44 Thou shall not grind them and mix their flesh with bread crumbs nor rice nor oats nor tasty seasonings of any kind, for it is an abomination. 45 Thou shall not bathe them in the sauces of any kind, nor shape them, thine own or thy neighbor’s, into rounded form. 46 Thou shall not even consider them lowly unto the Atkins diet, for truly it is just plain sick. 47 For the breaking of this most high and holy law, the True Believer must submit to years of serious Psychiatric Counseling and agree to take such legal medications as are prescribed by a professional physician.
48 His Most Righteous Airborne Semolina Strands shall tolerate no petty traffic offenses from amongst the ranks of his True Believers. 49 Heed these words, O children of the Grain! 50 Verily, thou shall use thine turn indicators before such time as thou shall make a turn; before a left turn, and before a right turn, according to their kinds. 51 In both instances shall thee use them equally. 52 So too shall you, my True Believers, maintain assured clear distance from the drivers in front of thee, though they be morons who inhibit thine (only slightly over legally posted) speed. 53 For verily, thou art not the drivers of the cars in front of thee, nor can thou go through them, as they are objects solid as granite, and should you hitteth them, the collision would be considered thine fault, and the payment of the deductible great.
54 Should you find yourself to be the victim of the heretic infidel, the tailer of the gate, thou are to make sure thou are doing the posted speed and maintain a temperament worthy of the True Believer of Your Extruded Nutritious Wheat-Based Lord. 55 You shall not mess with the idiot behind thee. 56 You shall not speed up for short distance only to slow down for short distance. 57 You shall not check to see if brakes work, neither the brakes of your car, nor the brakes of the jerkface behind thee. 58 Ye shall attempt to refrain from the stretching of the arm and the extension of the chosen finger, though it be mightily tempting, and The Lord Thy Glob doth quite understand, but still refrain if thee can, for it is better to pull over and keep your life long, than to mess with a fool who may shorten it.
59 For the sake of thy Great Glob in Heaven, thou are not to be a fool who believes it to show great status among human kind to blast your chosen music throughout the streets for all to hear. 60 It is an abomination. 61 Not the choice of thine music is an abomination, mind you, but the deafening volume at which the idiot who blasts it doth blast it. 62 Blast not with the woofers nor the tweeters, nor anywhere throughout the midrange. 63 Blast not at the intersection, nor in the parking lot, nor through the neighborhood, nor in the presence of the person of one’s chosen attraction, for yea and verily, please figure out that no one is impressed. 64 The Monster Who Has Rounded Orbs of Meat and Hovers in Heaven has blessed his Creation with music to make his Creatures happy, music of all kinds that his Creatures may rejoice. 65 Be not an inconsiderate jackass who thinks everyone in the whole world is dying to hear the music of thine choice. 66 Trust the Big Monster on this one: they are not, and they do regard thee as most idiotic.
67 And another thing, and this doth peeve His Glorious Hovering Pasta no end: thou shall keep thy mind on thy driving and thine eyes on the road. 68 There shall be no long chatting on the phones of the cell, there shall no applying of the makeup to the face, no shaving of the beard, no reading of the map, the newspaper, the Romance novel, nor solving of the crossword puzzle. 69 There shall be no watching of the movie by thee as thou art driving. 70 There shall be no watching of the DVD, nor the VCR tape, nor the Television, neither VHF nor satellite. 71 Have thee lost thy freaking mind? 72 Verily should the sane among you, and the True Believers who wish to live long lives and see their children live long lives, seek to pass earthly laws against these abominations, and seek to have them duly enforced. 73 For those who escape Earthy justice, especially flat and bland beer doth await you in Heaven.