The Book of Piraticus
*As transcribed by Platypus Enthusiast and Bobby Henderson
1 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster called unto Pirate Mosey, and spake unto him out of the pirate ship of the crew, saying, 2 Speak unto the children of the seven seas, and say unto them, if any pirate brings an offering unto the FSM, ye shall bring your offering of spaghetti and meatballs or rum and fish head stew. 3 And he shall consume this offering and rejoice for the FSM will be pleased. 4 He shall not burn his offerings as no one could receive its goodness if it’s ashes. 5 Also, it would smell really bad. 6 Although I guess burning the rum would be pretty cool. 7 But I think it has to be over 100 proof to burn and I dunno if pirates can get their hands on good stuff like that. 8 But if he can, he should go for it, cause it would be pretty sweet and it would please me.
1 The wisdom that if thou drink liquor before beer thou art in the clear, but beer before liquor and thou can’t be sicker shall be ignored. 2 For rum and beer art equal in mine eyes. 3 Thou shall drink them together if thou can. 4 For the boilermaker is the best way to ingest the holiness contained within alcohol. 5 He shall take his offering of rum and pour it into a shotglass. 6 And he shall pour his offering of beer into a glass. 7 And he shall drop the shotglass into the glass of beer. 8 And he shall chug his offering heartily. 9 And he shall repeat until His noodly appendage touches him so much that he can no longer withstand the Intelligent Pushing and falls to the floor.
1 And he shall make the analogy that just as two completely different alcoholic beverages are equal, all people are equal. 2 Yes, I know it’s kind of a leap, but trust me, I’m the FSM. 3 I love all people equally, so no holy wars or gay bashing or anything like that. 4 There’s no reason for any of that.
1 And the FSM spoke unto Pirate Mosey, saying, 2 Speak unto the children of the seven seas, saying, If a soul shall sin through ignorance against any of the 8 “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts” of the FSM concerning things which ought not to be done, and shall do against any of them: 3 I really don’t care that much. 4 I’m all for flimsy moral standards. 5 But thou shall try to remedy thy ignorance and read them. 6 They’re actually pretty funny.
1 And he shall try not kill anyone. 2 Even if they’re homosexual, pro-abortion, or of another religion. 3 Also, he shall try to not to do anything else real horrible like rape or armed robbery. 4 I know we don’t have any explicit rules about those carved into stone tablets, but I figure they kinda go without saying. 5 You all have brains and empathy, you don’t need a deity to enforce morality.
1 Let ye who be without the black spot fire the first cannon. 2 I really don’t like hypocrites. 3 Hypocrites are dicks.
1 And he shall try real hard to follow the gold doubloon rule: 2 Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. 3 This applies to everyone, not just Pastafarians. 4 Seriously, this one’s important.
1 And the FSM spoke unto Pirate Mosey, saying, 2 Now I shall tell thou a parable. 3 Yeah, I know parables are more Gospel material and not for legal/ethical books, but whatever. 4 This is the parable of the Good Christian. 5 A certain Pastafarian went down from Tortuga to Isla Muerta, and fell among ninjas, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. 6 And by chance there came down a certain pirate that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. 7 And likewise a stripper, when she was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. 8 But a certain Christian, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, 9 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own ship, and brought him to port, and took care of him. 10 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pieces-of-eight, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
1 And he shall remember my divine bender in the beginning. 2 And remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. 3 And he shall keep it holy not by praising me, but enjoying himself. 4 I’m not really that conceited. 5 Plus the Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. And he shall celebrate many other holidays like International Talk Like A Pirate Day (September 19), Darwin Day (February 12), the Feast of St John the Blasphemist, Saint of Made-up Holidays (October 1), Halloween (October 31), and Friday.
1 And all men shall be circumcised after the age of 18, with out anesthesia. 2 Those that have been circumcised already must snip a little more off. 3 With rusty scissors. 4 Dipped in lemon juice. 5 After heating it so it’s red hot. 6 Nah, that would be a little weird. 7 I’m just screwing with you. 8 I have a sense of humor. 9 You can see this for yourself if you see my drastic attempts to change evidence to make the universe look older than it is.
1 And he shall not follow any dogma, for that only causes problems. 2 If he feels my rules are bad, he may choose to ignore them. 3 I’m cool with that.
1 I gave you brains, the ability to reason, and free will for a reason. 2 Please use them. 3 If I say something dumb, question it.
1 And when he preaches the word of the FSM, he shall not be a dick. 2 He shall not got around shoving pamphlets into the hands of passerbys. 3 Nobody likes that. 4 Instead, he shall construct a signed with the phrase ‘Free Propaganda’ scrawled onto it. 5 And he shall sit quietly next to it and only preach to those who come to him. 6 Also, it would please me if he did it in full pirate regalia, for 7 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was “Arrrgh!” 8 Pirates are my chosen people and preachers should display my pirate lust.
1 And you should not be bothered by the poor wording of this message. 2 I was kinda wingin’ it.