The Book of Thinly-Veiled Modern Practice Agreements


*As transcribed by Ham Nox

1 One day, as the Flying Spaghetti Monster hovered in the clouds and looked down upon the modern world after the great public revelation of Bobby Henderson (Pesto Be Upon Him), he noticed, yet again, the great lack of pirates. 2 This lack of pirates did make him quite peeved, and so he spake unto the believers “What’s up with the lack of pirates? 3 Did I not tell ye that the free-spirited pirates are the most beloved unto me, and instruct ye to pass on a very strong suggestion to the people that they dress in the blessed clothing?”

4 And the believers, many of whom were big whiners, did respond “But it’s hard to dress up like a pirate in these modern times! 5 There are many unbelievers in the world, who do laugh and scorn our accents and choice of clothing. 6 Their opinions would not matter but that their prejudices cause us great difficulty in keeping good work to put pasta on the table and not getting unnecessarily martyred.”

7 “Hmm… I suppose a healthy diet of pasta is a pretty important observance in addition to the regalia, and that not getting killed is pretty important to you. 8 You must be able to work for the pasta you need, as I, like a forgetful fish owner, am not a terribly dependable provider of such things. 9 I understand that you must be respectful to societal norms in order to do that. 10 But there must be some way to recognize my followers, that I may bless them accordingly. 11 And how am I to know my followers if not by the omnipresence of flamboyant sea-faring style?”

12 The believers concurred with their delicious deity that the problem of how the deity may recognize the believer in hiding was very serious, and they promptly nominated members to a Divine Relations committee and accorded them task of solving it.

13 “We may have all true believers shave off their left eyebrows!” one committee member cried. 14 “Nay, such is crazy talk. 15 The believer may be recognized by a small calligraphic tattoo of another wench or pirate’s name on their arse, as this clearly demonstrates he or she had acheived a drunken state of universal acceptance.” said another. 16 And the third member spoke, “Well, that’s awfully convenient for ye, isn’t it Chuck?

17 Nay, the true Pastafarian in hiding shall don small symbols of their faith under mildly pirate-inspired clothing such that they may show the signs and share the style whilst not betraying mainstream society’s tentative and volatile acceptance. 18 But let us also designate a day in each season specifically for the observance of that which is holy and wholesome as pasta and piratedom, since we are so hidden at other times. 19 Let us stew the sauce for days on end, and give a portion to mark the entrances of sacred halls in which we gather as a place of free, open-hearted love and acceptance, as well as the possible location of a really awesome party. 20 Likewise, whenever and wherever we congregate, the doors shall be with marked with a banner of sauce color as a declaration of intent to our lord and invitation for all others to join in our revelry. 21 What are all your thoughts on such an arrangement?”

22 This seemed like a suitable suggestion to the members of the committee, and many nodded approvingly. 23 The FSM suddenly then spoke, giving the committee quite a scare as they had forgotten that he was watching the debate. 24 “Okay, that sounds like a good plan. 25 Let it be so. 26 But before I go, I would have ye remember: Thou must be respectable in public, but amongst yourselves and I there shall be no shame nor deceit, nor scandal nor scorn. 27 When the time comes that every man is free, all shall party and revel with their full, unconcealed piratitude.”

28 And as it is written, so did all this come to pass. 29 Give or take a few minor details.