Darwin’s Purge


*As transcribed by Platypus Enthusiast

Chapter 1

1 Decades had passed since the Golden Age of Piracy. 2 Pirates had grown arrogant with the knowledge that they were the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s chosen people. 3 No longer did they bury treasure to keep it from corrupting others with greed, instead keeping the gold and jewels for themselves. 4 They no longer sailed around distributing candy to young children. 5 They forced their religion on others, demanding that nonbelievers follow the FSM. 6 The great pirate leaders, Pirate Mosey with his divine favor, Captain Dave with his prowess in battle, and the Great Pirate Solomon with his profound wisdom, had moved on to the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factories of Heaven. 7 There was no one left to alter the pirates’ sinful course. 8 The Flying Spaghetti Monster would defend them no longer.

Chapter 2

1 A ninja stealthily crept towards his prey. 2 He prepared to leap at the unsuspecting man, but he sensed something was wrong. 3 He turned around to see a bearded old man. 4 He struggled to recognize him in the darkness, but then it came to him; it was the sly demon, the Dark Lord Darwin himself!

5 The ninja pointed his sword at the creature, prepared to defend himself. 6 “Get back fiend!” he shouted, “Or I shall cut you down.”

7 “Your skills are no match for me,” Darwin said, 8 “I have powers beyond your imagination. 9 You are a ninja, are you not supposed to be stealthy and undetectable? 10 How then did I see you?”

11 Shaken by his apparent lack of sneakiness, the ninja responded, “How?”

12 “I used the dark power of observation. 13 I merely opened my eyes and looked around,” Darwin gloated.

14 “Incredible,” said the ninja, “Teach me more.”

15 “There are four dark powers of Science. 16 I will teach you the other three, but only on the condition that you lead the ninjas in a final purge of the pirates.”

17 “I know the pirates and us have fought in the past, but extermination seems like a little too much.”

18 “I guarantee, once you learn of the powers, you will want to destroy them all. 19 Do we have a deal?”

20 The ninja thought for a minute. 21 “Yes, it’s a deal,” he agreed reluctantly.

22 Darwin smiled. 23 “The second power is reason. 24 Use logic in your strategies against the pirates. 25 For example, pirates love to drink rum, so maybe ambush them at a tavern. 26 Now, this is useful, but don’t solely rely on it. 27 Just because something makes sense doesn’t mean it’s true. 28 So reason must be used with the third power, experimentation. 29 If you do attack the pirates at a tavern and you lose, then try something else. 30 A combination of logic and trial and error, reason and experimentation, will give you an effective method in fighting the pirates.”

31 “I see,” said the ninja, 32 “These powers do seem powerful, but I still don’t feel like killing every last pirate.”

33 “That’s where the last power comes in. 34 The dark power of evidence. 35 Pirates are always armed with cutlasses and flintlocks; they travel in ships loaded with cannons. 36 They have constantly fought with the ninjas. 37 They are a threat to you and your people. 38 What choice do you have other than destroy them all?”

39 “Yes! 40 You’re right.”

41 “I’m a scientist. 42 I’m always right. 43 Now I’m currently working on a deception, the Theory of Evolution, that will destroy the faith of the pirates and prevent them from gaining new converts. 44 It will even hurt the FSM himself, as he put a lot of effort into making the universe older than it really is. 45 Evolution will provide an alternative to his practical joke, thus ruining his fun. 46 All the ninjas must do is eliminate the pirates and Pastafarianism will fall.

47 The ninja, jazzed by this information, went forth and spread his new knowledge of Science.

Chapter 3

1 Pirates have never been the most skillful fighters. 2 They are peaceful men and had mostly held off attempted purges by the ninjas in the past by divine intervention from the FSM. 3 But now the FSM had forsaken them for their digressions. 4 Furthermore, they had grown fat and pathetic, perpetually drinking rum and boning wenches, and were in no shape for battling ninjas. 5 This combined with the ninjas mastery of the dark powers of Science meant the pirates didn’t stand a chance against the coming doom.

6 The ninjas spread across the land, slaughtering every pirate they found. 7 They hunted them down like bilge rats. 8 Most cowardly fled out into the sea or drowned their sorrows in rum, waiting for the end. 9 Many complained to the FSM and turned against Him for letting this misfortune befall them.

10 But some took a stand and proudly fought to the end, knowing that they had brought this upon themselves. 11 Others repented and prayed to the FSM to apologize for their wrongdoings. 12 The FSM saw these devout pirates and felt bad for condemning his entire following for the sleaze of some.

Chapter 4

1 Captain Black Bob had made it back to his ship after a narrow victory over a ninja assault party. 2 He had lost many of his crew and was feeling depressed. 3 He prayed, “Oh tasty Flying Spaghetti Monster, I realize this destruction must be our fault, but I need to know, what have we done wrong?”

4 “Pirates have become corrupt and have strayed from Pastafarianism. 5 Now I’m not the kinda god to smite those who don’t listen to me, but I don’t have to protect you either,” answered the FSM.

5 “That still sounds pretty lame.”

6 “I know, but I’m a god. I got responsibilities and shit. 7 Do you really wanna worship a god who helps out assholes?”

8 “No.”

9 “Yeah, well you guys were assholes.”

10 “True, but I have repented. 11 I have admitted that I have done wrong.”

12 “You doing better than most of your brethren, but you’re still not good enough. 13 For example, stop killing ninjas. 14 Remember the second suggestion “Thou ought not do stuff thou already knowest is wrong, like killing, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Dost thou really need these carved into a rock?” 15 Yeah, they may kill you, but at least you’ll die a good person. 16 Plus I made all humans equal. 17 Ninjas are inherently as good as pirates. 18 Buy they were deceived by Darwin and twisted by his Science. 19 That demon is the one you should be angry at.”

20 “Fair enough.”

21 “Sweet. 22 You shape up a little and I got your back. 23 But there’s one more thing. 24 You must go forth and spread my word. 25 You must keep my faith alive. 26 For the Dark Lord Darwin will return and threaten mankind again. 27 His Science may destroy the world. 28 The Pastafarians must be prepared.