The Tale of Dave and Kyodai
* As transcribed by Platypus Enthusiast
1 Now the ninjas gathered their forces for war and assembled at the port of Tortuga. 2 They scattered their men around the local tavern, so that they could ambush the pirates when they came ashore. 3 Soon after, Captain “Dead Sole” Paulson and his pirate crew sailed into port. 4 They eagerly went to the tavern, thirsty for rum. 5 The ninjas sprung forth and attacked the pirates. 6 The pirates, though peaceful, were forced to fight for their lives.
7 A champion named Kyodai, who was from Osaka, came out of the ninja horde. 8 He was six cubits and a span tall, as he was unholy and was never touched by His noodly appendage. 9 He was wrapped with his black ninja cloak. 10 In his hand, he held a long sword, dripping with pirate blood.
11 Kyodai stood and shouted to the pirate crew, “Why do you come out and line up for battle? 12 Am I not a ninja, and are you not Dead Sole Paulson’s crew? 13 Choose a pirate and have him come down to me. 14 If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us.” 15 Then the ninja said, “This day I defy the ranks of pirates! 16 Give me a man and let us fight each other.” On hearing the ninja’s words, Dead Sole Paulson and all the pirates were dismayed and terrified.
1 Now Dave was the son of an Englishman named Jesse, who was from Bath in Somerset. 2 Jesse had eight sons, and in Dead Sole Paulson’s time, he was old and well advanced in his years. 3 Jesse’s three oldest sons had joined Dead Sole Paulson’s crew to man the cannons and plunder trade ships, but Dave was hired as a cabin boy, left to cook for the rest of the crew.
4 After the crew had went ashore at Tortuga, Dave, left behind cause he was underaged, was finally able to make a meal for himself. 5 As he was sitting down to eat a hearty plate of spaghetti and meatballs, he heard swords clashing, muskets firing, and angry “Arrr’s” off in the distance. 6 Dave, eager to help his fellow pirates got ready to leave, but remembered his pasta. 7 He was still hungry, so he wrapped up the spaghetti and took it with him as he set out to find the battle.
1 After wandering around looking for the battle for an hour or two, he finally reached the group of pirates. 2 Dave could see that the pirates and ninjas had separated standing facing each other, with Kyodai standing in between waiting for someone to fight him. 3 Dave ran to greet his fellow crewmates. 4 They told him all about Kyodai and his challenge. 5 Dave asked what’d they plan on doing about him.
6 When Eric, Dave’s oldest brother, heard him speaking with the men, he got ticked off and asked, “What the hell are you doing here? 7 Who’s cooking our dinner? 8 I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came over just to watch the battle, you dildo.”
9 “Dude, you didn’t even let me tell my side of the story before you started whining about my evil heart and shit,” said Dave.
10 Dead Sole Paulson heard the commotion and came over. 11 Dave said to him, “Don’t worry about this ninja, I can take him.” 12 Dead Sole Paulson replied, “You can’t fight him, you’re just a kid and he’s badass.”
13 But Dave said to the Captain, “I’ve watched over the food in the galley. 14 Whenever a rat or seagull tried to eat some, I smacked it and when it turned on me, I killed it. 15 I have killed both the rat and the seagull, and this ninja will be like one of them, because he has killed the people of the FSM. 16 The FSM who delivered me from the paw of the rat and the talons of the seagull will deliver me from the hand of the ninja.”
17 Captain Dead Sole Paulson said to Dave, “Go and the FSM be with you.”
1 Dave was given a cutlass, a musket, six pistols, a blunderbuss, and a cutlass. 2 Dave said, “I can’t use all of this. 3 It’s way too much and I’ve never swung a sword or shot a gun before. 4 I’ll probably end up hurting myself more than the ninja.” 5 He dropped all the weapons and took from his bag a few long strands of spaghetti and a few meatballs. 6 He folded the spaghetti over a meatball and approached the ninja.
7 Meanwhile, the ninja got ready and walked towards Dave. 8 When he saw Dave was just a kid he got pissed at him. 9 He said the Dave, “I’m gonna mess you up you little punk.”
10 Dave said to the ninja, “You come against me with your fancy sword, but I come against you in the name of the FSM, the God of the pirates, whom you have defied. 11 Today the FSM will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and kick you in the nuts. 12 So, I’m gonna mess you up.
13 The ninja approached to fight, and Dave ran to meet him. 14 Dave whipped around the spaghetti and slung the meatball at the ninja, shooting it right down his windpipe. 15 Choking, the ninja fell to the ground.
16 So Dave triumphed over the ninja with spaghetti and meatballs. 17 Without a cutlass in his hand he struck down the ninja. 18 Dave then ran over and kicked Kyodai square in the nuts. 19 Kyodai grunted in discomfort, popping the meatball from his throat.
20 When the other ninjas saw their hero was down and clutching his groin, they turned and ran. 21 The pirates chased them and made sure they left the town. 22 Victorious, they went into the tavern to partake in some well-deserved rum. 23 Proud of the cabin boy, Captain Dead Sole Paulson bought Dave a drink. 24 And there was much rejoicing.