The Book of Fearsome Pirate Pete
*As transcribed by Qwertyuiopasd
1:1 Long ago, in an allegorical Caribbean filled with anachronisms and wisdom, there was a pirate known only as Fearsome Pirate Pete. 1:2 He was determined to become the greatest pirate the Caribbean had ever known. 1:3 Having discovered that simply being Piratical all the time with great enthusiasm was not quite enough, Pete explored different schools of piratical thought. 1:4 One day, he sat down to think for a very long while. 1:5 While he was sitting, fully decked out in Pirate regalia, he was a very easy target for any nearby Ninjas, or so it seemed. 1:6 A Ninja did notice Pete, and did try to sneak upon him and stab him through his back. 1:7 However, the Ninjas blade became caught in Pete’s back hair, never reaching Pete himself. 1:8 Pete turned around, and slugged the Ninja square in the face. 1:9 Now, some other Pirates were nearby at saw the event. 1:10 They immediately recognized Pete’s Fearsomeness, and swore allegiance on the spot, becoming his new crew.
2:1 Now, Fearsome Pirate Pete’s favorite followers were Nikta, and Tiny the midget. 2:2 Nikta suggested that Pete try Atkinsceticism, to eat very little, and if eating anything at all, for it to be very low in carbohydrates. 2:3 Fearsome Pirate Pete and his crew tried this for one day, but by the second day, Pete began to have strange pains in his stomach. 2:4 Soon, Pete was light-headed, and began to hallucinate. 2:5 Seemingly in front of his eyes, Pete saw a blurry mass of yellow centered around two large red circles. 2:6 The strange figure said unto Pete, “Everything in moderation, even moderation.” 2.7 But Pete was snapped out of his daze by Nikta. 2:8 “Perhaps you ate too much, Pete?” Nikta asked. 2:9 “Nar,” Pete responded, “Perhaps Oi been eatin’ too little!” 2:10 “I’ve heard of good Italian food high in carbohydrates, and apparently very good for the soul.” Tiny said. 2:11 “What? That’s the exact opposite of what I’m trying to get you guys to do!” Nikta said aloud. 2:12 “Yarr, but methinks it be’n time fer a change,” Pete said, “Oi be havin’ a good feelin’ about this’r Pasta stuff.” 2:13 And with that, Nikta stormed off in a rage.
3:1 Now, Fearsome Pirate Pete and Tiny bought some Spaghetti and Meatballs from a local Italian restaurant, and sat down to eat it. 3:2 Fearsome Pirate Pete did eat much of the Spaghetti and Meatballs, and as he ate, the Spaghetti did replenish itself. 3:3 The more Pete ate, the more Spaghetti there was for him to eat. 3:4 Yea, Tiny did observe this miracle, and was awestruck. 3:5 It was then that Nikta returned with many Ninjas, and they all came down upon Pete in a horrible fury. 3:6 But Pete did not budge, he sat contently eating his Spaghetti as the Ninjas came to kill him. 3:7 The Ninjas could not touch Pete, though. 3:8 For when the Ninjas came too close, the Spaghetti came alive with divine energy, and struck at the Ninjas. 3:9 Furious, Nikta attacked Pete himself, but was caught in the animated Spaghetti, and thrown out the window. 3:10 The Spaghetti began to rise, floating in air. 3:10 The Spaghetti took with it two meatballs, and grew googly eyestalks. 3:10 Fearsome Pirate Pete was in awe of the Pasta, and he did speak to it. 3:11 “Whart be ye? Some fashion o’ Monster o’ Spaghetti what Flies?” Fearsome Pirate Pete did ask. 3:12 The Pasta responded, “Yes, Pete, though you really should just call me the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 3:13 A name is like a fine beverage, it should please the tongue to interact with it.” 3:14 “Aye… y’mean it rolls off the tongue?” Fearsome Pirate Pete did ask. 3:15 With a sigh, the Flying Spaghetti Monster replied, “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. 3:16 Now, I have chosen you to be a greatly exaggerated and fictitious character for the purposes of teaching my ways to my followers.” 3:18 “Yarrgh, that be soundin’ loike a good plan” Fearsome Pirate Pete agreed. 3:19 “’Course it is,” The Flying Spaghetti Monster responded, “First, you must be taught a little of the history of the world. 3:20 Narrator, if you would.”
4:1 In The Beginning, or so the Flying Spaghetti Monster calls the first time He can remember waking up from a hangover, He was flying above the meeting of a great ocean and land. 4:2 The land was inhabited by nothing more than Mountains, Trees, and a Midget. 4:3 The Midget cried up to the Flying Spaghetti Monster in great anguish. 4:4 “I’m bored!” The midget wailed. 4:5 “O Flying Spaghetti Monster, creator of all things as far as I can tell, perform some miracle, cure me of my boredom!” The midget prayed. 4:6 Now, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was not in the habit of taking requests, but having little else to do and being bored himself, the Great Noodly One touched the ocean with His Noodly Appendage, and forth from that point spawned the whole of the earth. 4:7 With a second touch of His Noodly Appendage, the Flying Spaghetti Monster bestowed upon the Midget the finest of Pirate Regalia. 4:8 The Flying Spaghetti Monster then commanded him, “Go forth, pillage, plunder, eat, drink, and have a fun time running from boredom. 4:9 In other words, be a Pirate!” 4:10 The midget was ecstatic, but had one question. 4:11 “That’s it? 4:12 No commandments, suggestions, guidelines, bylaws you want me to live by?” the Midget asked his Delicious Lord. 4:13 “Ah, you’ll hear about those later,” The Flying Spaghetti Monster explained, “Right now I want to get back to Fearsome Pirate Pete.” 4:14 The Midget still did not understand the ways of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but he knew he was not truly meant to.
5:1 “There is another thing you should know, and this will help you to recruit more followers,” The Flying Spaghetti Monster told Pete. 5:2 “When you die, your soul, which I think is immortal, but don’t quote me on that, will find it’s way to Pastafarian Heaven, where there is a Volcano of Beer, and a Factory of Strippers.” 5:3 “But O Noodly Lord, Oi be prefer’n Grog t’ Beer… Will Oi have to drink only Beer in heaven?” Fearsome Pirate Pete asked the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 5:4 “What? 5:5 Of course not! 5:6 Oh, I forgot again, the Beer Volcano is really a Volcano of any beverage you like, whenever you like it. 5:7 I prefer Beer, so that’s all it is to me, I forget sometimes,” The Flying Spaghetti Monster explained, “Similar rules apply to the Stripper Factory.” 5:8 “Yarrgh, one other thing,” Fearsome Pirate Pete continued, “Ye said summin ‘bout Pastafarian? 5:9 What be that?” 5:10 “Did I forget that too?” The Great Noodly One asked rhetorically, “Sheesh. 5:11 Pastafarian is what you will call yourself, and what any follower of Me will call themselves. 5:12 I’m going to say that covers everything,” The Flying Spaghetti Monster concluded, “Because I just remembered that I left Lasagna in the oven.” 5:13 In one moment the Flying Spaghetti Monster was there, and in the next, He was not.
6:1 Fearsome Pirate Pete then began the work of assembling his crew. 6:2 Tiny became Pete’s first mate. 6:3 Going to various bars and taverns, Pete was able to assemble a motley crew of salty seadogs who all enjoyed Pasta. 6:4 In one bar in particular, he saw a strangely dressed Pirate, with pale skin and a horned helm, brawling with many Pirates, wielding a large hammer. 6:5 “Yarrgh, what be yer name?” Pete asked him once he had incapacitated all the Pirates in the bar. 6:6 “My name is Ushnor, the Great and Awesome,” he replied. 6:7 “Oh, ye think yer high ‘n mighty, do ye?” Pete asked him. 6:8 “I got the title because of my hammer, everybody started calling me Ushnor the Great and Awesome after I smashed some fool’s head open in a bar one night,” Ushnor explained. 6:9 “Yar. Me likes yer style. Ye be me new second mate, if’n ye like,” Pete offered.
7:1 The next day, Fearsome Pirate Pete called together his first and second mate, Tiny and Ushnor, to decide where to set sail for. 7:2 “I have a request, Captain,” Ushnor asked, “There is a holiday in my homeland in the North soon. 7:3 It’s dedicated to Thor, and we chase down wild hogs, and bash their skulls open with our hammers.” 7:4 “But what about pillaging, and being a Pirate?” Tiny asked. 7:5 “Now Tiny,” Pete said, “Oi’m sure this be a very important holiday fer Ushnor. 7:6 We must be understandin’ and tolerant of others beliefs and practices, and sometimes we just need t’ go with the flow.” 7:7 And Lo, they did set out for the North. 7:8 For three and twenty days and three and twenty nights did they sail, until the sea became slushy with ice, and the wind chilled the very bones of even the largest Pirates. 7:9 Suddenly, their ship was struck by some great tentacly thing, and the ship began to sink. 7:10 Fearsome Pirate Pete jumped into the ocean, and swam until he found land. 7:11 Upon reaching land, Pete did pass out from exhaustion.
1:1 Fearsome Pirate Pete was woken up rather rudely by a Penguin. 1:2 The penguin pecked at his eyes until Pete rose and whacked it across the head. 1:3 “Bloody hell Tiny, enough’s enou-” Pete said waking up. 1:4 Upon seeing the desolate landscape, and a rather confused Penguin, Pete was thoroughly confused. 1:5 “I say, why did you just slap me across the face, chap?” The Penguin inquired. 1:6 “What in the name of Penne… yer a talking penguin!” Pete exclaimed as he stood up. 1:7 “And you are a gorilla who smells like alcohol,” The Penguin retorted. 1:8 “Arrgh, let’s not be callin’ names here. Where the bloody hell are we anyway?” Pete asked. 1:9 “Well I was going to ask you ol’ chap, but you seem rather hostile,” The Penguin explained. 1:10 “Me greatest apologies, it’s not like Oi be wakin’ up getting poked in the eye every day,” Pete apologized. 1:11 “Quite. 1:12 My name is Bob,” Bob reached out a flipper. 1:13“Arr…” Pete said, still somewhat dazed, “Me name’s Fearsome Pirate Pete.” 1:14 “Charming. 1:15 Lets get moving shall we?” Bob proposed. 1:16 “Where the ruddy hell be we goin’?” Pete asked. 1:17 “Well, where are you going?” Bob said blankly. 1:18 “Well, there be this Norse festival involvin’ smashing the sku… uh… big feast, lots of food.” Pete caught himself before possibly offending Bob. 1:19 “Right, well then, we mustn’t be late,” said Bob as he started waddling off in a direction, as if he knew exactly where he was going.1:20 “Where the bloody hell am I…” muttered Pete.
2:1 Fearsome Pirate Pete and Bob traveled far through the wintry wasteland. 2:2 “D’ye know of any dangers in these lands?” Pete asked once. 2:3 Bobs sole response was, “Not a clue.” 2:4 As Pete cursed the Penguin under his breath; they heard a lone howl off in the distance. 2:5 Pete scanned the horizon and saw a wolf, howling sadly. 2:6 “Let’s go have a look, shall we?” Bob suggested, and they both went to the wolf. 2:7 “People… What are you doing here?” the wolf was very nervous. 2:8 “Ye best be askin’ someone else, I don’t know what the hell is goin’ on anymore, talking animals and all,” Pete rambled. 2:9 “Shush Pete. 2:10 We are just passing through the area,” Bob explained. 2:11 “Oh, okay then… move along and leave me alone please…” The wolf said. 2:12 “Well let’s get going then,” Bob started waddling off again, and the wolf lowered his head in despair. 2:13 “Now wait a minute,” Pete said, noticing the injustice “What be makin’ ye so sad?” 2:14 “Well… it’s my wife, we had an argument… and… well…” The wolf sniffled. 2:15“Yar, Oi get th’ point. 2:16 It be soundin’ like one o’ them arguments ‘bout nuthin’” Pete said. 2:17 After some coaxing, Pete got the wolf to take him to where he thought his wife was, and they found her howling just as he had been. 2:18 And they did rejoice. 2:19“Ye know what yer problem was, ye dinna fergive each other. 2:20 Ye be needin’ compassion, or else where d’ye end up? 2:21 All alone.” Pete said. 2:22 And Thus did Fearsome Pirate Pete learn Compassion.
3:1 Fearsome Pirate Pete and Bob walked for even more than before they had met the wolf. 3:2 Until, that is, until they saw some movement in the distance ahead. 3:3 Pete and Bob picked up speed and caught up with the movement. 3:4 Twas a snake an a gerbil, conversing about different types of cheese. 3:5 “Oi, what’er ye doin’ here?” Pete said. 3:6 “Us?” asked the gerbil. 3:7 “Excuse my smelly friend’s rudeness of interrupting you. but we are curious to as how you are here” responded bob. 3:8 “Well, I was returning home, and I ran into this snake, no doubt the same way you two met each other,” The gerbil said. 3:9 “well, I’ma bet on not bein’ thar exact same way,” Pete said, looking at Bob’s beak. 3:10 “At first I was afraid I would be eaten, but thankfully this snake is compassionate,” The gerbil explained. 3:11 “Ah yes, we know much of compassion,” Bob said. 3:12 “Yes, well, we really should be on our way;” Said the snake. 3:13 “Not to worry, we’re both going in the same direction. 3:14 I’m sure we would love to see your family Mr. Gerbil.” 3:15 “Yes! As they say, the more the merrier!” 3:16 For the rest of the trip to the Gerbils home, the Gerbil talked about his family. 3:17 When they came to the Gerbils home, he called for his family to come out and meet the guests. 3:18 “Oh, I’ll have to make many extra portions tonight” said Mrs. Gerbil. 3:19 “No, no, we do not intended to intrude upon your home. 3:20 Besides , I doubt we’d fit in,” Bob said, looking at Pete. 3:21 “Of course, how silly of me. Mr. snake, will we have you for dinner?” Mrs. Gerbil asked. 3:22 “No, it is I who shall have you for dinner!” the snake said. 3:23 Suddenly, he lunged at Mrs. Gerbil with his mouth gaping wide open. 3:24 Pete grabbed him by the neck. 3:25 “Argh, a traitor have we?” Pete said. 3:26 Mr. Gerbil was absolutely shocked. 3:27 “I’m so sorry, I should’ve known he was fooling me,” he confessed to Pete. 3:28 “Nar, s’not yer fault. 3:29 Trustworthiness is important for all, and those who deceive are bound t’ be found out eventually, and dealt with justly. 3:30 Speaking of which,” Pete grabbed the snake by the tail, and started swinging him around wildly. 3:31 He finally let go, sending the snake off into the horizon. 3:32 “Thank you, if you were not here, I doubt I could have defended myself,” Mr. Gerbil said. 3:33 “Not at all. 3:34 We are merely being good subjects of his Noodliness,” Bob replied. 3:35 And thus did Fearsome Pirate Pete learn the importance of trustworthiness. 3:36 As well as the importance of not eating gerbils.
4:1 They left the Gerbils home, and set off again. 4:2 They walked so far, they felt as if they could not go any farther, as if they had walked round the world. 4:3 Then Pete spotted a Polar Bear in the distance, prowling and pacing, as if guarding something. 4:4 “Ye think we should go up to it? 4:5 It looks like its guarding its territory,” Pete commented. 4:6 “It’s your call Pete,” Bob responded. 4:7 “Oi be sayin’ we wait and see if it goes away. 4:8 Oi don’t want t’ be mauled before the fest.” 4:9 “Then let’s try and get some rest first. 4:10 Who knows how long that bear will be there?” Bob suggested. 4:11 They slept, and after waking up, Pete saw that the bear was still there, but asleep. 4:12 He woke Bob, and they tried creeping past it. 4:13 The bear awoke. 4:14 “Augh! 4:15 Stay away! 4:16 Don’t hurt me again!” it yelled, jumping away from them. 4:17 “Calm down ol’ chap, we mean you no harm. 4:18 How are you hurt?” Bob asked in a calm voice. 4:19 “It’s my paw. 4:20 I was in a fight over territory and the other bear bit my paw,” The bear explained. 4:21 “’Ere, I was saving this fer me own flesh wounds, but I think it’ll help ye.” 4:22 Pete said, pulling out a bandana, and wrapping it around the bear’s paw. 4:23 “I saw you there before. 4:24 I was hoping you’d help me,” the bear said. 4:25 Pete did not respond. 4:26 “Pete,” Bob said sternly. 4: 27 “Arr, we was afraid ye’d maul us. 4:28 Ah suppose Oi was a little prejudice on ye,” Pete confessed. 4:29 “Right, Pete, you shouldn’t judge people just because of the way they look or appear to be acting,” Bob said. 4:30 “Thanks guys, I’m off to reclaim my territory,” the bear said as he went off into the other direction, limping a little. 4:31 And thus did Pete learn not to be Prejudice.
5:1 Now, not too much farther on their travels, they came across a human, apparently throwing tree trunks. 5:2 “Oi, what’re ye doing?” Pete yelled. 5:3 “Tha Caber Toss!” the man replied proudly. 5:4 “Ah ahm Scott. The best tosser o’ cabers in all o’ Scotland!” 5:5 “But, we be in Norway,” Pete said, still confused. 5:6 “Ach, that’s exactly why Ah ahm ‘ere. 5:7 T’ prove to all that Ah ahm the best tosser o’ cabers in all th’ world!” he said, throwing another caber. 5:8 It flipped once. 5:9 “Argh! 5:10 Sounds like a challenge! 5:11 Lemme try,” Pete requested. 5:12 He picked up a caber, and threw it. 5:13 The caber bounced twice. 5:14 “Ach, not too shabby,” Scott said. 5:15 He threw another one, but still it only bounced once. 5:16 Then Scott ran off crying like baby. 5:17 “Yar, serves ‘im right, braggin bout being the best. 5:18Ah ahm the best Oi am! 5:19 Oi be bettin’ I can beat anyone in this’er world,” Pete boasted. 5:20 “You seem to have learned nothing from Scott,” Bob said as he picked up a caber, and threw it. 5:21 The caber bounced four times. 5:22 “Ach, suppose I should’na brag unless I know I’m right,” Pete said. 5:23 “Actually, you should not at all. 5:24 Remember, there is always someone out there who is better than you at whatever it is you’re doing,” Bob explained. 5:25 “Arr, Oi’ll be rememberin that,” Pete said. 5:26 And Thus did Pete learn Humbleness.
6:1 Pete and Bob continued on their trek again. 6:2 They could almost make out the smoke coming from Norse lodge when Bob yelled out in pain. 6:3“What happened?” Pete asked as he looked down at Bob’s foot. 6:4 He had been stabbed by a pointy stick. 6:5 Pete pulled it out. 6:6 “Thank you, Pete,” Bob said. 6:7 “Can ye walk?” Pete asked. 6:8 “Yes, it’s not much farther, let’s go” Bob claimed, but he was limping like a pirate with two peg legs. 6:9 At one point he fell down. 6:10 “Bob, Lemme carry you,” Pete offered. 6:11 “No, that’s alright, I can make it,” Bob protested. 6:12 But he had great difficulty getting up and moving again. 6:13 Pete picked him up, and carried him the rest of the way to the Norse lodge. 6:14 He set Bob down outside the lodge. 6:15 “Now, honestly, can ye walk?” Pete asked. 6:16 “Yes, I will be fine from here,” 6:17 Bob confirmed, “Go and have fun with your friends at the festival. 6:18 I have farther to go. 6:19 Thank you, Pete.” 6:20 “Arr, If’n ye ever be in the Caribbean, just follow the trail of wrecked ships and the smell of pasta. 6:21 You’ll find me,” Pete said. 6:22 “I will be sure to,” Bob said. 6:23 With that, he waddled off into the distance. 6:24 Thus did Pete learn Loyalty.
1:1 Upon entering the Norse Lodge, Pete beheld a most distressing scene. 1:2 The feast table seated many hairy and well armored Norsemen, as well as many pirates of his crew. 1:3 At the head of the table, however, was a relatively small, clean cut and shaven man in humble, sober black robes. 1:3 The distressing part was the portions of the food, as well as the food itself. 1:4 It was mostly pork rinds and other low-carb options, and in small portions, too. 1:5 Tiny and Ushnor were seated near the entrance, so Pete went to sit by them. 1:6 “Whart in the good name o’ Pasta be this kind o’feast?” Pete asked. 1:7 “It seems that in my absence, this Olaf character has come and forced everyone into Aktinsceticism,” Ushnor explained, indicating the man in black. 1:8 “Some idea of a feast, eh?” Tiny added. 1:9 Suddenly, one of the feasting Vikings shoved his plate back, and stood up. 1:10 “I refuse to eat this crap! 1:11 Give me some good swill, instead!” he shouted.
2:1 Olaf closed his eyes, slowly got up, and moved around the table to the Viking in question. 2:2 As he went, he passed a fireplace. 2:3 Olaf picked up a long, sharp piece of metal, and stuck it in the fire for a few moments. 2:4 Once he seemed satisfied, he pulled it out and continued over to the Viking. 2:5 The Viking stood his ground, and faced Olaf. 2:6 He towered over him, yet did not raise a hand against him. 2:7 Olaf raised his implement, and stabbed the Viking in the eye, twisting and pressing the hot metal against it. 2:8 The Viking resisted as much as he could, though he still had to let out yells of pain. 2:9“You really don’t know what’s best for you,” Olaf told him coldly, “You really should listen to what I have to say.”
3:1“Alright, enough of this crap,” Ushnor said, slamming his fist down. 3:2 He picked up his hammer and ran across the table to Olaf, building as much momentum for his strike. 3:3 Olaf was able to avoid getting hit, and brandished his poker as a weapon. 3:4 “Don’t toy with me, boy, I’ve got science on my side!” Olaf boasted. 3:5 The other Vikings saw this, and realizes they could resist, so they took their weapons in hand, and surrounded Olaf. 3:6 “Why didn’t we just do this earlier?” One asked Another. 3:7 “Narrator wasn’t here. 3:8 That pirate guy who just arrive must be the main character or something,” replied Another. 3:9 “You always have the best explanations, Another,” One complimented Another. 3:10 “You are too kind, One,” Another said.
4:1 “Let’s burn his eyes out, see how he likes that!” One said. 4:2 The others yelled in agreement. 4:3 “Friends, we cannot do that!” Ushnor cried, trying to contain their anger. 4:4 “If someone uses an immoral or low tactic against us, we can’t just go right around and do the same thing to them. 4:5 If we think it’s an outrageous thing to do, we should not do it ourselves,” Ushnor continued. 4:6 “Well, how about we ask the injured party?” Another suggested. 4:7 They all turned to the Viking who now had one blind eye. 4:8 “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. 4:9 Besides, eyepatches are badass,” he responded. 4:10 “I couldn’t have said it better myself,” Ushnor said. 4:11 “Yarr,” Pete chimed in, “Ye make th’ Flying Spaghetti Monster proud, ye do.”
5:1 The Vikings threw Olaf out into the cold, and vowed to leave him untouched, provided he stay away from the frozen northlands forever more. 5:2 Pete spent the next week helping them prepare for a proper feast. 5:3 Without being overbearing, he explained to them his religion of Pastafarianism, and made quite a few converts. 5:4 At his suggestion, the feast included large portions of Pasta, and they all ate heartily, receiving the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, even those who did not convert. 5:5 After the festivities, it was time for Pete to return to the Caribbean. 5:6 Having now ship, and a significantly reduced crew, the Vikings made a sturdy vessel for him, and many signed on as his crew. 5:7 Finally, with a full crew and a quality ship, Pete and his crew set sail for the Caribbean.
1:1 For two and forty nights and two and forty days, they did sail, until all the slush was gone, and the waters were warm, and full of fish. 1:2 The air was crisp, and the winds full of promise. 1:3 But the pirates were concerned when they made port. 1:4 There seemed to be no people in the streets, no drunkards boozing about, being slapped by wenches, no taverns overflowing with brawls, and generally not a lot of pirating going on. 1:5 There were boats at the docks, and nothing seemed destroyed. 1:6 In fact, everything seemed to be in a much better state than when they left. 1:7 “Yarr, Oi don’t be liken this one bit,” Pete growled. 1:8 “Oi’ll check around town. 1:10 You lot stay here.” 1:11 “You sure it’s a good idea to go alone, eh?” Tiny asked. 1:12 “Yarr, good point.” Pete said. 1:14 “You come with me, Tiny. Ushnor, stay an’ guard the ship,” He commanded.”
2:1 Pete and Tiny explored the seemingly desolate town. 2:2 There were some signs of life, as they were continually watched by people from alley ways and from inside buildings. 2:3 They were not sinister, but they looked as if they knew what was going on, and they pitied Pete. 2:4 Suddenly, Pete and Tiny were apprehended from behind by ninjas. 2:5 “Whart in th’ name o’ Tortellini?” Pete exclaimed. 2:6 “Our master would like a word with you” One of the ninjas whispered in his ear.
3:1 The ninjas took Pete and Tiny to an underground lair beneath an Italian restaurant. 3:2 They tied them to chairs in a small dark room, across from a table. 3:3 Nikta sat at the table, eating a reasonable portion of Pasta. 3:4 “Would you like some pasta, Petey? 3:5 It’s Capellini,” Nikta offered. 3:6 Pete spat. 3:7 “Oi wouldn’t accept anything from ye, ye diseased maniac,” Pete said. 3:8 “Whart’ve ye done t’ this place anyhow, and why?” 3:9 “Oh, just a little good natured dictatorship. 3:10 The people need to be told what to do and think,” Nikta explained. 3:11 I hear you ran into my friend Olaf in the northlands, is that true?” 3:12 “Yarr, we ran him out but good.” Pete bragged. 3:13 “But how did ye return? 3:14 Oi thought th’ Flying Spaghetti Monster had taken good care o’ ye back in the first chapter.” 3:15 “Not really, he merely apprehended me, and then you all forgot about me and went into a description of creation,” Nikta explained. 3:16 “Quite rude, really.” 3:17 “Oi’ll remember me manners next time someone assaults me with a hoard of ninjas,” Pete retorted. 3:18 “Whart exactly is it that ye want from me, matey?” 3:19 “Why, nothing more than your ultimate demise,” Nikta said simply. 3:20 “Tiny, would you like to do the honors?” 3:21 “What, you want me, eh?” Tiny asked. 3:22 “Oh yes, I think it will be a delicious ending to Pete’s life. 3:33 You do this for me, and I’ll grant you with a position of wealth, influence, and favor,” Nikta offered. Tiny smiled a sinister smile in response. Nikta motioned to his guards, and Tiny was cut loose. 3:34 Tiny was given a katana, and stabbed Pete through the chest. 3:35 Instantly, Tiny grew three feet, for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster had left him.
4:1 Pete found himself in a beautiful, white space. 4:2 As his senses adjusted to his location, he did notice the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 4:3 “Whart happened to Nikta? 4:4 And Tiny, th’ mutinious bastard! 4:5 And whart about Ushnor and me crew?” Pete asked, growing more concerned as he remembered more of his recent adventures. 4:6 “Worry not, smelly friend,” The Flying Spaghetti Monster assured him. 4:7 “Tiny has gotten his just desserts, and I informed Ushnor of what Nikta had done; he’ll be taking care of those ninjas shortly.” 4:8 “Arrgh, that’s good. 4:9 So I’m dead, and this is heaven?” Pete asked, just to be sure. 4:10 “Yes, Pete. 4:12 You have done well. 4:13 You have shown strength in the face of adversity, and much perseverance. 4:14 I award you with the finest grog and best stripping wenches in the cosmos. 4:15 Is there anything else you wish for?” The Great Noodly One did ask. 4:16 “Oi spent me life on th’ seas, now I see heaven has no Caribbean, or Pacific ocean, or even a Lake Michigan of any sort,” Pete mused. 4:17 “Not t’ be takin’ this personally, yer Pastaliness, but Oi find it rather atrocious to not have a large body of water fer piratin’. 4:18 If I could have one wish, it would be for there to be a great, endless Caribbean with islands ripe for the pillaging, and tohers with beautiful scenery and nifty hiding places. 4:19 That no matter how far ye travel, there always be somethin’ ye can explore or pillage, and that there never be an end to th’ adventure.” 4:20 “So be it,” The Flying Spaghetti Monster declared. 4:21 “Let it be known from this day forth, there shall be an Endless Caribbean, and any who wish may join or create a pirate crew to pillage and explore the vastness of Heaven’s Caribbean.”