The Story of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates


*As transcribed by Pious Pirate aka Tupi and Pedantic Pastrian Priest aka Thrippy


Part 1

1 Hear this tale, ye believers, of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates!
2 Long, long ago though not during the Chinese Long Dynasty or the British Long Parliament the FSM flew over the Indian Ocean where by chance (although there is no ‘chance’ or coincidence with Him) his saucy eye fell on a ship that lay there lacking wind.
3 In order to avoid misunderstandings: His eye fell metaphorically and the ship’s crew had the winds due to too much beans.
4 By its shape He recognized it as a junk and by the sounds that came from it – heavy in Yarrr!, Aarrrgh! And YoHoHo! – as a pirate vessel.
5 At that time He had not yet made His covenant with the pirates, but listen further, ye believers, what happened!
6 A smell (apart from unwashed clothes and bean winds) rose (not the flower) from the ship and touched His noodly nostrils.
7 This smell He knew so well and highly it pleasesd Him.
8 “Though this may be a junk, this is not the smell of junk food!”
9 And invisibly He descended on the vessel and His Noodly Appendage touched it gently.
10 In the ship’s galley stood the cook being quite old and mostly deaf and unfit to swing the cutlass outside his kitchen anymore.
11 “No more beans”, the captain had said repeatedly and increasingly louder. “I am farting myself comatose! No more of it, Basta!”
12 As already said the cook was deaf and just understood: “Garlic trifles, tomatoes comfort it, Pasta!”
13 They had just plundered, pardon liberated, a Persian ship transporting vegetables – therefore the beans – and had found some red balls unknown to them.
14 Those were created by the FSM quite recently but that is another tale.
15 “These must be tomatoes then, there is nothing else here I don’t know the name of!”
16 “So, the captain wants a paste of these with garlic.”
17 “But they seem to be mainly water (Netherland import presumably), I need a bit of more substance!”
18 “The flour is getting mouldy anyway, the eggs likewise, so let’s make noodles and add this stuff!”
19 And he cut and meshed the tomatoes, added some spice at random, put it all in the pot and cooked it.
20 At this moment He entered the kitchen, touched the cook’s shoulder with His Noodly Appendage and spoke:
21 “Buddy, that pasta smells f***ing good!” (He has His way with swear words)
22 The cook, touched by Him, felt the Divine and heard the words: “Bodhisatwa, smiling god.” (he was a Buddhist, you know.) and trembled part in awe, part in joy.
23 “He doesn’t properly listen.”, murmured He in His beardlike noodles.
24 “something missing”, heard the cook.
25 And on the deck the captain shouted at a green recruit: “For this job you need balls!”
25a And the captain’s voice was like a British drill sergeant’s that will reach even the recruits already dead letting them jump to attention in their shallow graves.
26 “Meat balls! That’s it”, cried the cook and began to turn the meat grinder that doubled as a prayer mill coincidentally.
27 And he recited the Mantra: “Oh, Man, Pasta, Yum!”

Chapter 2

1 And the cook formed tasty meatballs, grated the cheese and did all the things right and proper for the divine meal in His honour.
2 And He looked at everything the cook had done and behold, everything was very good.
3 But the cook said, “It is not good for the food to be alone! Let us prepare proper drinks as companion, for a pirate’s throat shall never go dry; and hoarse only when it adds to the atmosphere.”
4 But in vain he searched the hold.
5 There was only stale water and not much of it either
5a Neither were there many other words but ‘but’ and ‘and’ to start a sentence.
6 And the Anti-Past, who had silently crept into the ship behind His back, whispered into the cook’s ear.
7 “What use is the divine food without beer or schnaps? Throw it away and serve them hardtack and stale water as befits humble seafarers!”
8 But the cook didn’t listen to the temptation by the Anti-Past.
9 Being old and half-deaf has its advantages, you see!
10 He tried his best to improve the meagre drink by putting some spices into it, that’s all he could do.
11 The FSM, who noticed the treacherous advances of the Anti-Past, became angry at the Foul Lord of the Diets and with a single touch of His Noodly Appendage sent him to the landlocked red states there to fight unhealthy obesity.
12 Beware, oh ye people, of the Anti-Past.
13 His balls are ersatz soy-meat and don’t even ask what his appendages are made of
14 With rich food but poor drink ready the cook sounded the bell and the crew arrived.
15 They took the food from him and divided it under themselves, so that the scripture should be fulfilled:
16 “The Pasta they have taken from me and divided it under themselves and filled their stomachs.
17 Then some of the crew complained about the lack of proper drink but the captain stooped them and shouted, so that even the cook understood him.
18 “Silence, ye rotten ungrateful bastards!
19 It’s you, who have exhausted everything that’s worth to be called proper drink.
20 He did, what he could with stale water and spices.
21 He brought us food as we have never tasted anything alike and you have left not a crumb of it and even taken care not to spoil the least amount.
22 I see it in your eyes that you would not stop for hours eating, if anything were left.
23 Be grateful to the cook and to Him, who gave him the inspiration, for clearly it is divine!

24 The crew felt deep regret for their behaviour and that there was nothing of the food left.
25 Now they praised the cook for his work
26 The humble cook blushed and refused their praise.
27 “No glory for me! The captaon ordered it, the Divine Body touched me, so how could I fail?
28 You’re right about the drink, it’s far from proper and we are even running out of it with no replacement in sight.”
29 He, the Mighty Pasta-King and Bringer of Plentiful Food & Drink, was highly pleased by the captains word of praise, the cook’s humbleness and the crew’s ability to see the error of their ways.
30 “These are people of my taste!
31 Although they don’t know me yet, they follow my not yet announced suggestions.
32 They choose the divine vegetables.
33 Without advice they created noodles and formed meatballs.
34 They long for the proper drink.
35 There remains just the question of the godly Garlic Bread.”
36 But the second mate, who had not touched the food, stepped forward and spoke:
37 Captain, cook and comrades! Yeah, let’s praise the cook’s work but let’s not forget that some are still hungry!
38 Is there no bread left in the hold?
39 May it be stale, with a little bit of garlic I’d eat a stone!”
40 Oh, the hardtack bread, ye mates, it was beyond stale.
41 The captain chiselled the waterproof copy of the log on it and had to replace the chisel every few lines.
42 The armorer used it as a whetstone.
32 The third mate had sharpened the edge and clobbed a shark to death with it.
33 Last but not least the gunnery officer lost a good cannon when an experimental load with hardtack cut deep rifts into the barrel when fired.

Chapter 3

1 “That’s my cue!”, said the FSM and He appeared in all His saucyness before them.
2 And they fell on their knees and worshipped Him, for they knew Him in an instant, although they hadn’t known anything just a moment ago.
3 To them He spoke and His voice dripped parmesan and spice:
4 “Attention please, all passengers to Rio de Janeiro check in with their luggage at gate 7a immediately!”
4a Sorry for interrupting again! What idiot put in that line in here and what does it mean?
We don’t take passengers and Rio is not on our schedule this month. Check the calendar!
It’s Yellowbeard’s turn. Our raid is due for New-Years day!
5 To them He spoke
5a Any further interruption will be dealt with incisively! My cutlass is hardtack-sharpened enough to split the mast from top to keel in one go!
6 “The FSM, Creator of mountains, trees and midgits, who is known as Hauro Pasta in Persia, as Carn-Aton the life-giving meatball in the sky in Egypt speaketh to ye.
7 Don’t tremble and spill the food, for my grace is upon you.
8 Though not knowing, you make my food and longed for those parts unavailable.
9 They shall be given to you!
10 Instead of water stale Porter Ale shall be in your barrels and you shall never run out of it as long as you keep the covenant, I’ll make with you later on.
11 But you, second mate, you called for the divine Garlic Bread but did not touch the Pasta.
12 Pray, tell me the reason!”
13 The second mate looked Him into the saucy eyestalks straight and without hesitation.
14 “Oh, Noodly One! I don’t have to beg forgiveness, for thou knowest me and the reason.
15 Stricken with allergy, I can’t eat the pasta made from wheat, though I long for it.
16 But the bread is made from rye, so I can eat it without problems.”
17 Thus spoke He to the second mate:
18 “Rightly hast thou spoken and nothing wicked is in it.
19 As a sign of my grace I give this Anchovies Pizza to you and your family.
20 It will never grow stale and every noon it will renew itself until you will pass away and see my Hereafter, where there is the mighty Beer Volcano and the Stripper Factory.
21 Never empty is there the pasta bowl and noone will be stricken with anything not to his delight.
22 Now to you, captain. I have a task for you and your mates.
23 My temple in Pasata has fallen into disrepair.
24 No priest nor sailor sings my praise.
25 They take me for a monster even.
26 Though I am, of course, one, they have forgotten the true meaning of it.
27 A monster is, what inspires awe, not fear primarily.
28 Didn’t they learn their Latin at school?
29 But I am digressing.
30 I strongly suggest that you and your crew sail there and make Pasata your base of operation.
31 It has a long tradition and you’ll like the cult statue in the temple.
32 If that does not tempt you, the Pastry makers are famous.
33 Where do you think “Pasta” comes from?
34 When you go there, repair the temple, reerect the cult image and it shall be you home and that of your descendants forever.
35 It’s not an order but an offer.
36 When you see it, you’ll not refuse it!”

(To be continued)