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The Torahtellini Part 2

 

*As transcribed by Platypus Enthusiast

 

Chapter 1

1 It is written, back in the ancient days, the Flying Spaghetti Monster enjoyed drinking with his human buddy, Abe. 2 One night, Abe told the FSM he had to get up early in the morning and couldn’t hang out with Him all night. 3 The FSM, who had had a few too many beers, was depressed and weepy. 4 He said to Abe, “You’re such a douche. 5 What am I supposed to do the rest of the night?”

6 “Dude, we’ll chill tomorrow. 7 It’s no biggie,” said Abe.

8 “No dude, it’s not just this. 9 You’ve really been a crappy friend lately.”

10 “Well I got a family now. 11 I got responsibilities. 12 I can’t always screw around and drink with you all the time.”

13 “Screw that man. 14 I’m your god. 15 You need to prove your loyalty to me.”

16 “Ok, that’s fair. 17 What do you want me to do?”

18 “Kill your son.”

19 “No way man. 20 I can’t.”

21 “Do it.”

22 “Dude, it’s…”

23 “Do it,” the FSM interrupted.

24 “Really?”

25 “Yeah dude, you gotta listen to me. 26 I’m your god.”

27 “Alright,” Abe said sheepishly.

28 “Ahhhh, you got punk’d! 29 I wouldn’t make you do that. 30 Aww, you shoulda seen your face when I said that.”

31 “Yeah…”

32 “Instead, you gotta chop off the tip of your dick.”

33 Abe laughed, “You’re not getting me this time.”

34 The FSM giggled and took a drink. 35 “Nope, totally cereal. 36 It’s like the 5th Commandment: Thy Noodle shall not be bigger than Mine.”

37 “But we don’t have Commandments,” Abe protested.

38 “Shh.”

39 “Ok, fine.”

40 And so Abe circumcised himself (yeah, he did it himself). 41 The next day, after miraculously curing His hangover, the FSM remembered the shit He pulled the night before and gave Abe a call. 42 “Hey dude, sorry bout the shit I pulled last night.”

43 “It’s cool,” Abe said, “You were pretty wasted.”

44 “Yeah, well to make up for it, I decided to give you and your descendents your own land.”

45 “Aww sweet dude. 46 I’ve actually had my eye on Canaan.”

47 “No dude, there’s already people living there. 48 What would you do, kill them all?”

49 “Uh…”

50 “No, your Promised Land will be the sea. 51 And you get the whole thing, but only on the condition that you and your descendents are pirates. 52 I like pirates. 53 Cool?

54 “Yeah man, it’s a deal.”

55 And so the Pastament was made.

Chapter 2

1 Generations later, due to a series of mishaps, Abe’s descendents had not yet made it to the Promised Land…

2 Pirate Mosey had just finished telling his pirate crew about the eight “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts” (*see The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster*). 3 The FSM had another word with Mosey, which was pretty sweet (*see the Book of Piraticus*). 4 They finally left Mount Salsa and continued their journey to the Promised Land.

5 They milled around for years trying to find the sea. 6 Mosey tried convincing them that if they just walked in a straight line, they’d eventually hit the shore. 7 But his crew would frequently grow impatient and insist that they make turns here and there and they just wound up constantly going around in big circles. 8 When the Quartermaster decided they should make a left at Jericho, Mosey got fed up and finally put his foot down. 9 “Guys, quit being back seat wanderers! 10 We’re walking straight from now on!”

11 “Captain,” said the First Mate, “Sorry, but this is getting really getting aggravating. 12 Maybe if we just had a beer or two…”

13 And so the FSM, taking pity on His followers, provided them with a keg and told Mosey to tap it. 14 But Mosey, still frustrated, hacked it with his cutlass. 15 Beer splattered everywhere, getting the pirates sticky and spilling all out onto the ground. 16 “Dude!” the FSM shouted from Heaven, 17 “What the hell? 18 I try to do something nice for my people and you go and ruin it. 19 Just for that, you’re not allowed in the Promised Land.”

Chapter 3

1 But Pirate Mosey remained cool and continued to fulfill his responsibility to his people. 2 He prepared for their entrance into the Promised Land and trained his crew on various piratical methods. 3 He gave his officers greater responsibilities in order to get them ready for commanding crews on the sea. 4 He appointed the most devout of the men, the boatswain Josh, to be the future Commodore of the Pirate Fleet.

5 When they finally came within sight of the ocean, Mosey sent look-outs up onto a hill to see if they should approach. 6 But a storm was on the horizon, and the water was full of sea monsters. 7 They decided to head back into the wilderness for a while. 8 Unfortunately they got lost again, and they wandered around in the desert for forty years before they got back to the shore.

9 The FSM came to them and instructed them that they should build many ships and split the men along family lines into 12 crews. 10 He then turned to Mosey and said, “Hey dude, I was a little hungover and grumpy the day I said you weren’t allowed in the Promised Land. 11 If you wanna go too, it’s cool.”

12 “No, your Noodliness,” said Mosey, “I messed up. 13 It’s only right that I stay behind. 14 But I would like to renew the Pastament. 15 We have remained loyal and become pirates like you wanted. 16 Will you allow us to live on the Promised Land forever?”

17 “Sure,” said the FSM.

18 “Sweet,” said Mosey.

19 The crews prepared to set sail into the Promised Land, and Pirate Mosey said good bye and gave them one last suggestion, 20 “Hear O Pirates, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is our god, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is yum.” 21 And the pirate fleet under Commodore Josh went forth into the sea and established a great dynasty of buccaneers.