The Book of Linguini


*As transcribed by Roland Deschain


Chapter 1

1. This is the word of Pa Stasors on the history of Linguini, how he came to Him and His Ultimate Drunkeness, and how he spread His food.

2. And yea the man thou knowest as Linguini was a sinful man. He partaketh not of the Holy Pasta in His name, nor of the meatballs and sauce in His Holy name. The FSM looked down upon him and was wrathful, plus he also had a hangover, and verily this did displease the Almighty Noodly One.

3. One day whilst he was in his kitchen, Linguini was struck with inspiration for a new dish. Never before had he thought of making a Holy dish from scratch. So he tooketh the Holy Ingredients of eggs, flour and semolina, and he did mix them well. When he saw what he had make, he proceedeth to shred it into thin strips. Thus he made his first pasta.

4. When he had cooked the pasta, he found that its taste was divine, and in that moment he truly knew that he had been inspired by Him. But something felt wrong, as he had not felt that gentle touch of Appendage. Even draping some of his newly-made pasta onto his shoulder did not give him that intense feeling of meatball-flavoured love. The FSM did not see how Linguini suffered, as He was still suffering with His Holy Hangover, and had previously been displeased with Linguini, so was ignoring him for a while.

5. Linguini spread his recipe to the faithful, and it was soon a favourite with the Holy Meal throughout all the land. Linguini prayed night and day to the FSM that He would touch him and bless his homage to the Holy Meal, yet he was not heard. Linguini lamented this, and soon realised the errors of his previously-sinful ways.

6. As weeks led into months, he had still not been touched by Him. Linguini took to wearing the Holy Attire and talking like the Most Holy Pirates, yet still he was not heard. Linguini could not blame Him, as he had been bad before his enlightenment.

7. A year later, the FSM finally stopped sulking. He got up to take some aspirin, and felt much better. At once he saw how Linguini had suffered this past year and felt guilty, yet he was still suspicious of him. He descended to the Earth where he visited Linguini in the form of an old pirate. Linguini welcomed this stranger into his home and ensured that he wanted for nothing.

8. Serving nothing but the finest pasta and grog, the FSM in his disguise started to warm to Linguini, when he brought out his biggest surprise; a bowl of his own pasta creation. As the FSM tasted it, he was filled with love for Linguini, as the pasta was truly fit for the finest beer volcano bars.

9. Shedding His disguise, the FSM revealed himself to Linguini and declared that from this day, his pasta would be served in Heaven, and from thenceforth be known as Linguini in honour of its creator. Linguini trembled at this, and stood in awe of Him. The FSM saw this and extended an appendage toward Linguini, touching him gently.

10. A sudden light appeared, and a host of strippers were revealed carrying barrels of grog into Linguini’s house. Much merriment was had that night by all, as the grog rather quickly disappeared, especially after the FSM began singing His favourite sea shanties into the night.